Humbled and Honored

Cathy Taughinbaugh maintains a website called TreatmentTalk.org.

She contacted me last week to tell me she was writing an article about parents dealing with addiction and working to help others and ask if I would mind if she mentioned me.

I told her, "Sure, whatever you like."

I am humbled and honored she included me with such an accomplished group of parents in her article. I am sure there are many of you that could or should easily replace me on that list including Cathy herself but I am just going to say one thing:

Thank You

9 Parents Who Are Making a Difference

All Over The World

Ifrah, the woman I wrote about a couple of weeks ago from Karachi, Pakistan, we have been exchanging e-mails and I continue to read her blog. I am learning much from her.

This morning she sent me an article and video link about heroin in her hometown, Karachi, Pakistan. It is a news report done by the BBC. Please take 10 minutes of your time to watch this video.

What struck me is the despair of addicts worldwide. It is hard to watch when you see the pain and fear when a mother does what she has to do for her son. She cries the same tears I have seen in Darlene for her son half a world away. You also see the same manipulation by the drug we all have experienced.

Heroin is a monster. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-19192601

Terminally Unique

I had a father write me and it stirred another lesson that I learned long ago and hadn't really thought about for a very long time. I hope I can do this very important subject justice.

My son is unique. He was a math wizard in school. He competed in state competitions in Forensics in high school. He was an "A" student. He breezed through pre-calc and trig as a sophomore in high school. He was hyper-competitive.

My son once told in tears, "Dad I thought I was smart enough to control this." This was while he wanted to quit and couldn't.

I did something terrible. I told my son he was smart enough to beat this thing he just had  to put his mind to it. That was one of the most terrible things I ever thought or said. That nearly killed my son. I actually believed what I said.

A drug counselor at a rehab told me that there was something very special and unique about my son but she told me that special and unique people die from this disease every day. She used a phrase that I had to re-think EVERYTHING about my son and myself. That phrase was "terminal uniqueness". I have since learned that it is also called "personal exceptionalism".

My son may be smart and unique but this disease does not care. Not until Alex learned understood that this disease cannot be controlled and that he had to submit to his illness in order to get better.

I had to learn that Alex would die if I continued to re-enforce his disease. Just as enabling, I might as well be putting the needle in his arm myself.

Until parents remove their rose colored glasses concerning this disease there can be no helping of anyone. This is a life or death mission for all involved.

This is not about surrender, I have written about my issues with that in the past. If I viewed it as surrender I would still be fighting today. For me it was about coming to an understanding that it is impossible to control something uncontrollable. A realization that there are limits within each of us.

Living in the world of "What Is" vs. "What Ought To Be".

Vacations

I know I am suppose to mark day to day as life and progress but there are some things that mean a lot to me in regards to our recent family history. Alex is taking his family on a vacation, not with dad and mom, alone with his family. Not a weekend trip, a real one week vacation to Maryland.

Just seems like a huge milestone. He's a real father, one week driving with a load of family in the car. They are going to a timeshare someone in Kristy's family has loaned them. Three kids in the back of an Explorer going to the beach. 1100 miles one way with three kids in the back seat, Tyler in a car seat. If that isn't a test of recovery I can't imagine anything else. LOL

I feel good.

CORRECTION!!! The World is Such a Small Place

When I looked at the profile for Ifrah from her comment the location said Benin. My mistake, I assumed that is where she is from. Today I received an e-mail from Ifrah. She said she didn't know how or why it says Benin. She is actually from Pakistan. Here is her e-mail reprinted. Addiction and Parents of Addicts exist all over the world. :-(

I am Ifrah from blog izdiher

First of all thanks a billion for writing post about me and my comment I left on your blog.
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-world-is-such-small-place.html

I am not from Benin. I also don't know where benin is. LOL

 It was a mistake. Actually I never saw my profile. So thanks  again for letting me correct it.  Just image everyone will be thinking I am from there. 

 Hope you correct that post too.

And for comment : 
It is very very sad how we treat addicts in Pakistan, so I wrote that from this context as well.  We throw them out mostly here. If someone is from poor background then that addict life is more mess. Rehab centers are just one or two in big cities. Rich peep send their kids to USA and other foreign countries. In Karachi (my city) you can se lots of drug addicts under bridges, lying there and wasting their life.

May God saves everyone from this mess.

God bless you

Ifrah.

I was reading comments on posts and came upon this person. Often I click on the commenters profile to see and learn more about the people that read this blog. So many read and never comment and that is OK. But my natural curiosity compels me to know more about the people that read this blog and why.

The person that made a comment, " It's sad how we treat addicts." was from Benin. I'm sorry but I had no idea where in the world Benin is, even what continent. Thank you Google Earth.

We are all just alike. We want a little joy in each day. We want peace and we all struggle at times with life. No matter if you live in the heartland of the US or in a coastal city in Benin. Still so much for this dad to learn about the world and its peoples. Thank you Izdiher for my lesson today.

Izdiher works with kids making paper flags, her dad watches the Olympics and wants his country to, "my father says, man, can't you bring one stone for us" Sounds so familiar are we that different. Izdiher is Muslim, it is Ramadan, what is real life for someone that is a different religion that most people here in KC, read and learn.

Take time to explore the world. Aren't we lucky to have this technology!

http://izdiher.blogspot.com/

The Anonymous People

Some of you may have seen this going around on Facebook. If you haven't clicked on the video I highly urge you to do it now.

This video is being produced by an addict in recovery named Greg Williams. He is trying to bring addiction and recovery into the forefront in discussions of health issues in the US and world. I believe this is one of the most effective ways.

Addicts and alcoholics are not pieces of trash that we can ignore or toss out. Addicts and alcoholics suffer from a disease that many would rather ignore or dismiss. We can no longer dismiss the people suffering from this disease. These people are smart, they are talented and they MATTER. It is time we see that there is HOPE and there is RECOVERY from addiction and alcoholism.

If you are a reader of this blog I am asking you please take 8 minutes of your time to watch this short video. If you can donate that is good but be sure to watch this video.

The Anonymous People

Where there is life there is hope.

Fall Festival 2012

Barbara over at Back To Being Me suggested that we all should get together some time to put faces, voices and live bodies to all of this wonderful support we offer one another. Her suggestion was that I invite everyone to my annual Fall Festival.

OK with me, that sounds like a good idea. You're all invited. Here is the information for your planning. Darlene and I haven't got the detail planning done yet but we always have it on the second Sunday in October, so the date this year is Oct. 13. Come near or far. It's open to all and it is outdoors. If you're a NASCAR fan we live only 6 miles from the Kansas Speedway and the race is the next weekend so you could come early. There are many hotels around the speedway area.

If you come to town for this be sure to let me know so we can meet up for dinner Friday night or something. Come meet all the "unique" characters you have read about for so many years our blog.
I had trouble getting this to post on blogger so I am going to cheat. To view photos from past Fall Festivals use this link: Pictures. The price of admission is you must have a family picture taken for our yearbooks. You can probably tell from the posted pics that is a high price for admission.

The Medicine Abuse Project

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has joined with many other organizations beginning a new initiative. It's called The Medicine Abuse Project. This is a week long drive the week of September 23-29. But it doesn't end there, this project is a multi year effort to stem the abuse of prescription drugs by our son's and daughter's. Along with targeting teens the effects of prescription drug abuse will be held up for all to see. It's not just teens that fall prey to these powerful chemicals.

Facts and statistics have not been wholly effective in stemming this scourge. The Medicine Abuse Project is an effort to blend the horrible facts and statistics with real life personal stories. I have already submitted my story. If you are comfortable sharing your story I would encourage you to do the same. Every one of you are wonderful at helping to guide each other through this hell on earth known as Parent of an Addict. Along with being a tour guide through hell I also want to stand at the gate and play the role of gatekeeper to keep others from entering. I hope you will join me at the gate.

In a call yesterday I learned this project will grow to include new nationally broadcast PSA's, CDC info packets, IVillage chats, Webinars, Facebook web chats and culminating that week with Drug Takeback Programs on Sept. 29.

For more information visit www.drugfree.org

You Can Help Save Lives! Seeking Families to Tell Medicine Abuse Stories

By Cassie Goldberg | July 24, 2012 | 2 Comments | Filed in Our Blog

At The Partnership at Drugfree.org, we know that the abuse of prescription and over-the-counter medications is one of the biggest public health problems in the United States today. In fact, every day, 2,000 teens use a prescription drug to get high for the first time.

This year, we are introducing “The Medicine Abuse Project,” a multi-year effort to raise awareness and curb the abuse of medicine by teens and young adults. Launching the week of September 23-29, 2012, the campaign will encourage and help parents and the public-at-large to help manage this problem, working toward the common goal of preventing 500,000 teens from abusing medicine within the next five years.

We need your help. Has your family been affected by prescription and over-the-counter medicine abuse? Has your teenager or another relative struggled with the misuse or abuse of medication? We want to hear from you.

Email us your story so that we can share it, potentially on our website and in the media, as part of the awareness campaign. By sharing your experience with others, you could help us take a substantial step toward stopping this deadly epidemic.

Visit The Medicine Abuse Project online to learn more about the campaign and other ways you can get involved.

Kids and Parents

"Great kids come from great parents." This was a comment I saw on a Facebook post. Everything about this statement is complimentary. I am sure there is pride and gratitude. It is a well deserved compliment when we see children doing wonderful things for themselves and others. The praise is deserved.

But, what about the other side to my opening statement. If my opening statement is true then is it an natural conclusion that, "Bad kids come from bad parents." I have thought about the parents of James Holmes, the shooter in Aurora, CO. I don't know anything about them, they could be terrible people or they could be the most wonderful people in the world, I don't know. I'm sure we have all been at each end of that spectrum at moments of our lives. It is so strange that we can quickly attribute the actions of any person no matter the age or life experience to the success of failure of parenting skills. I'm going indulge in an assumption, I believe the parents of James Holmes are probably living a nightmare of heartache, just as each of us do when we hear stories our addicted children, maybe multiplied 1000 times over.

As parents of an addict where do we all fall in that spectrum? Where do you see yourself? How does society see us? I'm sure most of us know how many in society views us and our parenting skills. I bet every parent of an addict can cite examples and tell stories of "I would have..., They should have...., If it was my kid...." that tore you apart inside. Many of them may even come from family or close friends.

There's not a lot I can say here to change the perception of others. Sometimes life experience is the only way many of us truly learn and I wouldn't wish the experience of being the parent of an addict on any parent.

There will always be people out there that believe a drug addict or alcoholic is nothing more than a POS. I'm not wasting my time on those people. It's personal, that POS is my POS and regardless, I hate what he is doing of has done more than anyone but as a parent I can see past that and still love the person. It's OK to separate the two parts.

I'm not going to indulge in a lot of speculation but I am going to share one solid belief that I hold close and that I believe to be an absolute truth. If you are a parent of an addict and you are out researching and searching for help for yourself and your child. You are reading this blog. You love your children regardless of their illness. YOU ARE A GREAT PARENT. Great parents do what they have to do because they love their child even when they are suffering from a disease and doing things we cannot fathom. Great parents help themselves to be healthy, strong and loving.

Battling the Monster: Hero's

Last night I was at the the Kansas City Royals baseball game in honor of and courtesy of Susan Mayberry. She is the teacher at Basehor Linwood High School that I nominated and she won The Partnership at Drugfree.org and Major League Baseball's, National Play Healthy Award for 2011. Susan is a teacher that goes above and beyond to battle the monster. She has me come to her class twice a year to speak about drugs and addiction. Last night the KC Royals honored her by selecting her to sit in the Buck O'Neil Legacy Seats. If you aren't from KC but maybe you are a baseball fan and already know, Buck O'Neil was a player in the Negro Leagues. He was key in forming the Negro Leagues Hall of Fame here in KC. Mr. O'Neil was one of the most respected people I have ever seen in KC. I'm sure if you polled KC people his approval and respect rating would be somewhere upwards of 99.9%. So you see to be honored in this way to sit in his permanent seat at Kauffmam Stadium is indeed a honor and big deal.

In this struggle of addiction in our lives I have found many hero's. It's time we recognize these people. 

I'm asking that you nominate a hero right here. There won't be any national award, fancy trips to New York or special baseball game seats. This is about recognizing someone or people that have helped you. It doesn't have to be someone that rides astraddle a horse publicly swinging a sword at this monster. It may be a loved one that has a good ear and an open heart. It may be that "rock" in your life. Maybe it is a stranger that touched you at just the right time. It might be a person that faced the monster and won or someone that fought a gallant battle. 

I am asking for your nominations, who and what they have done for you or others in facing the monster. Names aren't required. After you nominate them and your recognition is there for the world to see your appreciation, send them a link to this post. Everyone needs to see that they are loved and appreciated.

In a world where crisis and tragedy dominate the landscape it is time we allow the light of good to shine brightly.

Introducing

Owen Paul Thom

8 pounds 2 ounces

19"

2:42 pm    7/16/12

Mom, Dad, Brooke and baby are both doing very well. Grammy and PaPa are doing pretty good too.  Owen entered the world wide awake and has been absorbing everything his whole life. Wide eyes and alert. Been passed around to everyone and he seems to be a very friendly, personable and likable guy.  ;-)

What Happened to My Blog

The dog days of summer are here with a fury. This week it has cooled slightly, 90's, but I see in the forecast it will be back over 100 next week.

Work is crazy, we are very busy and I am hiring people. Can't believe some of the applicants when I tell them they must take a drug test. Why do they waste everyone's time and money when they know they can't pass. It just puts my folks in the plant in a bad spot because they must wait longer to get more help.

By next Tuesday we will be grandparents again. The doctor has told Leslie to either have that baby by Sunday or else on Monday the baby's choice to come out on its own is over. Leslie and Paul are old school, everyone will know what it is when it arrives, even mom and dad are waiting.

It's so routine with Alex that there is nothing to write about for us. Darlene is babysitting often because he is working overtime every Saturday. What a change over a few years ago.

I am reading others blogs and I hear so much heartache. This thing never seems to end.

Maintaining this blog is not what it once was. There just isn't much to write as when the drama and crisis was never ending. That's what I mean by what happened to my blog. It's not productive writing for anyone when it's the same normal routine day after day. Long ago I titled an entry SSDD (same shit different day) about all of the shit that seemed to rain down every day on us. That would be the title of most of my entries now except SSDD is normal and peace instead of the other.

Reading others blogs and commenting I see so much from parents going through all the same things Darlene and I experienced. So many times I refer them to links on whatever I wrote in the past. I feel guilty just referring them back to my past posts but this stuff really doesn't change, unfortunately. The worst thing is that there is no set formula for success. The only thing I found that works for sure to do exactly what I was told to do on day one but took me over five years to try. Take care of yourself, you can't fix it and no addict ever gets clean because of or for Dad and Mom.

Volunteers

The Partnership at Drugfree.org is working with CHPA (Consumer Healthcare Products Assn.) to develop a digital media campaign intended to increase perception of risk and social disapproval of cough medicine abuse.  In most states OTC cough medicine is an easily accessible high and one that kids see as being “harmless”.  We want to prevent kids from going down the road to addiction by providing them with credible prevention information in places where they may not expect to find it. 

Objective:           Create 6-10 video testimonial videos for the DXMstories.com website (a teen targeted website). 

Target:

We would like the interviewees (ages 16-23) to be in recovery and have abused OTC cough medicine to get high at least once.   We do not expect that DXM was the drug of choice, but we want the interviewee to be able to speak to the experience and why others should not think about abusing cough medicine. 

Location:

We would prefer to shoot in one region (NY, CA or TX would be ideal).  However, if there are several people willing to speak to us in another region we are open to traveling.

Timing:

We would like to shoot and launch videos in July. The interviews should not take longer than 30 minutes each.

If you are interested in this project please contact Becky Vance at: becky_vance@drugfree.org

What's It Like?

I think back years ago and remember all the questions I had about addiction. That was me, trying to make sense of something that is senseless. It's impossible to use logic to decipher the illogical. There are no answers that make sense. Of course, in reality I had the answers in my mind already I just wanted confirmation. I needed someone to tell me I was right. I craved the validation that my thinking was right on and not just as skewed as an addicts.

It took so long for me to understand the answers to all those questions didn't effect the outcomes one bit. Not for me or my son. That was me living in the world of what "ought to be" instead of living in the world of "what is".

So just what's it like? I used to spend hours, days, years trying to get into my sons mind. If I could just understand I could fix it.

Much deliberation allowed me to figure out the truth. What's it like? The real answer is with me. I control myself. There is no way I can control my son or his addiction. Even in prisons and jails people and addictions can only be controlled to a barely manageable level. Just how arrogant is it to think that me alone could exert that much control over my son.

It is possible to have a life even if madness surrounds you. Maybe it's not the life you may have planned but make do, if you have lemons make lemonade. I learned the answer to my questions involve loving yourself enough to be happy. When you do that you make yourself more lovable and better able to face the demon of an addicted loved one.

What's it really like today? Appreciation is the only word that I can think of that describes what I see. I appreciate the fact that I learned and grew from this terrible experience. Nothing is so bad that a person cannot grow and learn, it is just hard sometimes.

I see Alex being a Dad. He does what he believes is best, I appreciate his work, even when I differ in opinion. I see my son work, earn a living, pay bills, raise a family. I respect my son, I hope he does me too.

My wish is that my son has the same appreciation for his life of sobriety as I do for his efforts and my life today. But I know that his life and struggle is his to live in his way. He must manage in the best way he knows and I get to manage mine in the best way I know. That is the respect I hope we share but no longer tell him that is the way it is going to be just because I am Dad.

Does it sound like I am proud of my son? Darn right I am. But I learned a lesson somewhat late that I was always proud of him even when his disease was active. Alex has always been a person and my son but he was a person dealing with a disease that he fought and for today is under is control. Final words for all that have read this far, never stop believing.


ps.: Another mom writing about her son: Meth Addiction - A Mothers Perspective

Hitting The Road

The AC is in and working so I can now go on a ride. On Thursday I'm heading down to Kentucky. Going alone, mom has to work and I need to get outta town so it will be me alone this time. Some times a man just has to saddle up his horse alone and go.

Going to ride the Bourbon Trail around Louisville. Right around that area there are 6 distilleries and they are on the back roads and in the hills of central Kentucky. I hear the roads are twisty and nice. It should be a fun ride. The distilleries will be a nice distraction but the ride is the main attraction. The return trip I am doing the back roads through western KY to southern Missouri and back through the Ozark Mountains.

I know the area is would be a nice ride because a company I use to work for had a plant in Mt. Sterling, KY. I usually visited the plant about once a month. I'd fly into Lexington and got to see all the thoroughbred horse farms.

If there are any readers that live in that part of the country and want a cup of coffee or have lunch e-mail me. Alone time on a bike is good but it is fun meeting people and sharing stories.


Another Mom needs help.


In God me Trust

Cruise Control

Mom went out last night and bought Tyler a new car seat. He is growing and last weekend when putting him in his old one you almost needed a shoe horn. We will take it down to Alex's tonight.

Everything is smooth. Leslie went to the doctor and the doctor said the baby is over 5 pounds and is 20" long and it isn't even due till July 23. Brooke is busy with swim lessons. Leslie's backyard backs up to the city pool parking lot. It is almost like having a pool in the backyard. The city rebuilt it over the last year and it is really a nice pool with diving, zero entry, climbing walls and all the pool accommodations to serve all ages.

Darlene is busy at work, they are short handed. Our business at my work is booming. Been working Alex and the guys in the plant 10 hours a day plus Saturday. A little overtime always makes the paychecks heavier. From experience I know overtime is not fun but smiles on payday, today.

Been working so much I have only gotten mom's bathroom at 95% complete. One more wall and some trim to paint and some touch up on sheet rock to be done. My mother and sister seem happy. It's all handicap accessible and now mom does not have to pull herself up using the shower doors and sink after using the bathroom and she can sit down in the shower. A huge round of applause and standing ovation goes out to those that helped, Brian, Brandon, Alex, Joey, Paul and my sister even got into painting and running for parts, Gigi. Can't forget Darlene and the girls, they probably had the hardest job, keeping Mom entertained and away while we worked.

It's been hot in KC and I have not got our air conditioner in yet. The compressor went out and the furnace and air was 20 years old so I am replacing it all. Another one of my past skills, went to vo-tech for refrigeration and appliance repair in a past life. Got a couple estimates of $8-9000 to replace so I bought new unit online. 15 SEER ac and 95% furnace plus all new lines, $3000. That's almost crazy to pay $5-6000 to have it done. We have a reclaim unit here at work so everything was done properly with the used refrigerant. I haven't ask Mom but I think I am not allowed a motorcycle trip until I get the air conditioner put in, Friday.

Not really a lot to report except normal life. Very busy here in KC but it is a good busy. Like I said, cruise control.

To all those struggling, keep the faith. I actually went back and read some of my stuff before July 2010. Where there is life there is hope. Two years ago I could not even imagine this life. That's why appreciation for today is so important. You never can know when a profound experience can happen so take care of yourself and allow your addicted love one to make the decision. Love has more influence than anger and hurt. Alex never talks about his life back then but the one thing he did say was, "No matter anything I knew you guys never gave up on me."

Haley, We Miss You

The finished copy. A few months ago I ask you all to support a group of students at a charter school in New Mexico. They lost a fellow student, Haley Paternoster to a heroin overdose. In memory of Haley and in an effort to help other teens understand the dangers of drugs they wrote a song and produced a video.

Today I got an e-mail from Blake Minnerly, the teacher helping these students informing me the project is finished. I immediately went to youtube to watch. I was "view 591". This video is worthy of praise and is impressive.

Please check it out: Haley, We Miss You

Share this with as many people as you can. I'd love to go back in a week and see a million views.

Great work students!!!

Another Mom

Sherri , another mom of an opiate addict has just began blogging. Please stop by and visit. Her son has just entered rehab.

http://shertherapy.blogspot.com/

For Love, Not Reward

Why do we parents of addicts do what we do? I have had some time to reflect on my actions during the bad times. My reactive behaviors helped no one, but it took a long time and much reflection to understand my motives and outcomes. That's not to say if the situation was presented again I would have the wisdom not to fall into the same trap but I would do it with knowledge this time and my consequences would belong to me without an excuse.

During Alex's active addiction Darlene and I did so much that we felt was right even though other people and experts advice was contrary. I see now that we did much of the enabling and aberrant behavior associated to parents of addicts from a feeling of love but with the expectation of a reward, our son being clear and sober. I also see that many times we did things in an effort to make ourselves feel better at he expense of our son. Of course, at the time we weren't selfishly trying to help ourselves, we were doing it for our son, at least that is what we believed at the time. However, I do recognize that we can only do what we are capable of doing at the time. It's impossible to give something you haven't got.

When dealing with a child in active addiction parental ego is a dangerous thing. It's hard to get over the fact that with some things there is no experience base in which to learn so we revert to what we "know" is best without the benefit of requisite knowledge.

Expectations that our addicted children to get better because we do this or we do that will lead to nothing but frustration and heartache. The only successful strategy for a parent of an addict is to do what you do because of love, not reward. The reward belongs to your child, when they choose to earn it through the work of recovery.

We made many mistakes. I think every parent of an addicted child will make mistakes. No one needs to go to the woodshed over mistakes of good intention as long as we ask the simple question, "What did I learn?" Do what you do out of love. Do the hardest thing out of love and when you suffer or feel bad and lonely know that the reward you so much want does not belong to you, it belongs to your child.

The real reward you seek is acceptance that you can be healthy and once again happy. Acceptance can not be predicated upon your child's recovery. Acceptance and happiness truly can happen even in the midst of the drama and turmoil.

Another Father Writing

Here is a link to another writing a blog about addiction. He is focusing on himself and the struggles of being the parent of an addict. Sounds familiar to me, please give him a shout.

parentaddict

Here is a link to another blog written by two sisters of a drug addicted brother. Both are worth reading and showing our support.

Sisters of a Drug Addict

One more mother that is writing. It is sometimes so hard to see this go on and on and on and on...........another mom and dad. SSDD is hard.

Kizbitz