Happy New Year

It am taking a break. We have a house full of people and some are playing domino's and some are playing a board game. I'm not much of a board game player except for games like trivial pursuit or something like that type.

I get to do what ever I want because today is also my birthday. ;-) The way I have it figured out. I was born in the morning on Dec. 31. By doing a tremendous amount of research about the day I was born I discovered the following: I was born in the morning and by the evening of that day there were celebrations and parties across the globe. Darlene says I am sometimes full of myself. But, how do you argue facts like those. Check it out for yourself, I was born in the morning and people celebrated all night. Just simple conclusions, facts are facts.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!

Good with the Bad

Got a really good call from our son from jail on Christmas afternoon, that's the good.

My mom's dementia is getting worse, it is becoming more and more pronounced. It was very evident with everyone here for Christmas, the bad.

My father-in-law's significant other died on Sunday the 26th. She suffered from Alzheimer's too, the bad.

A Christmas Wish

To all that read this blog and suffer through my misspellings, poor grammar and endless stories.

A very Merry Christmas to all and may all of your Christmas wishes come true in 2011.

I know my Christmas wishes are showing themselves to be real this year. Even though he is spending a lonely Christmas in jail he went in clean and has written his sister's that never, ever again. What a wonderful gift we received this year but our gift pales in comparison to the gift of sobriety he is giving himself.

Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday to all.

Emotions During The Holiday Season

When our son was actively using and not in jail we dreaded holidays and weekends. Holidays especially seemed to be a trigger for disaster. One event after another was ruined by his using and actions, birthdays, Christmas, no matter what event there seemed to be drama. We used to moan, "Why does he always do this on a holiday?!!!" I'm sure we aren't alone in expressing that exasperation.

I began to realize that it wasn't just the holiday he was screwing up. He was addicted to drugs. With that came a constant need for him to use each day and if a holiday or special event happened to roll around that wasn't going to end his using. All that really happened was the holiday or event complicated the drama due to added people sometimes but always complications entered from our heightened expectations of a holiday we wished to have instead of the reality of the one we faced.

As this Christmas rolls around our son is in jail. Yes, we wish he were home with us but the reality is our life is our making and his life is his making. The joy we feel this Christmas different from the past. This time he went to jail clean and with a desire to be clean. Yep, we really do wish he was with us this Christmas but......

Dealing with my own personal feelings is complicated. The rational side of me understands the consequences of actions and supports that there should be consequences. But, I am angry. My anger is with my son because of the pain he is causing my wife, his sisters and everyone else in our family that wants so badly for him to be with us but will not be allowed be with us as a family. I see their hurt and it makes me angry that he put himself in a position to hurt those people in this way.

Each time I see my mother she asks about our son. She knows he is in jail and why but she still says she worries so about him. The reality is she is over 80 years old and dementia is quickly overtaking her mind despite the medications. He gets out in 5 months and who knows what other counties may do, but one thing I know for sure is my mother is not going to get better and who knows at what place she will be when she can see him. Another spot of anger for me to see her disappointment when she cannot see him. Her visiting him in jail is not an option, she wouldn't be able to handle it in her condition.

Living in the world of "what is" versus the world of "ought to be" SUCKS. But I found much more peace when I began living in the world of "is" rather than the constant turmoil of the world of "ought".

ps.: Please check out this mother's blog that just today sent her 20 year old son to rehab for 6 months far, far away. Addiction From The Parent Perspective

The Spirit of the Holiday's

It's time to once again to get into the spirit of the holiday's, time to put on the game face.

I am so looking forward to going shopping today and dealing with those crazy idiots that should never been given a drivers license. Cars everywhere and every woman driving on the street with a cell phone stuck to her ear and trying to make a left turn in traffic to pick up some little piece of crap for someone that doesn't care anyway. I am usually so pleasant to someone like that, I honk and wave my greetings to her being sure to point one finger towards her so she knows I am acknowledging her generosity during these wonderful holidays.

I take it upon myself make sure all of the temporary store clerks that know nothing about their job receive a warm word about this glorious holiday. I am so patient while waiting when I hear their plea, "CSM register 6" and I am the second person in line behind the person that has an item that the UPC doesn't scan. And then when it is my turn after waiting 20 minutes she greets me with such a smiley "Happy Holidays." I share my joy by asking her. "Do you really know why the angel has a tree stuck up it's a$$?"

How can our house have exactly 27,652 square feet of wrapping paper stored in the closet and not 1/2 inch of scotch tape? Oh yea, I have Duck Tape in the garage!!!!!

Mom, why are you so stressed about decorations, cleaning the house and fixing food? I don't care if 18 people are going to be here on Christmas Day, if it ain't good enough the way we live every day then you need to keep it cleaner for me all the rest of the year. Who needs all this food, Taco Bell has 10 packs for take out!

What exactly do you mean that those new shirts are going to look so good on you? I got a bunch of new shirts in the '90's and there isn't a damn thing wrong with them. I already got 76 shirts hanging in the closet; why do I need new ones, besides not a single one of the new ones have Harley Davidson printed anywhere on them.

The big day finally arrives and the house is so full of joy, laughter and chatter. It is a shame that everyone else has forgotten the true meaning of this day, I CAN HARDLY HEAR THE ANNOUNCERS ON THE FOOTBALL GAME!

Merry F'ing Christmas to all. ;-)

Dad

How Are Court Workers Hired?

Not much to say but wait. We haven't been visiting our son unless we have to because he only gets 30 minutes of visitation per week so we are letting his girlfriend use the time. He is nervous about when he gets out and what will be waiting for him, what he might lose. My talk to him was he loses nothing if he keeps his determination of being clean and changing his life.

I have been trying to deal with court clerks and judges from the other jurisdictions. I'm telling you if these people worked for me they would be among the unemployed. I have been trying to figure out if they were this dumb when they were hired or became that way in their job.

A letter of incarceration handed to a judge stating his release date is May 24, 2011, judge gives him a continuation to March 1. When I tell him to look at the date on the paper, his response was maybe he get released early. When I say, maybe he won't he just tells me to, "Come up to court again and wait 3 hours like today." If I have to go again on March 1 I am going to ask him if he expects people to take him serious when he rules. If he responds yes then I am going to ask him why he doesn't take other with the same seriousness.

Another jurisdiction sent a letter that because my son was eligible for work release he should immediately send money for his fines. When I called the clerk and told her that he was not allowed work release by the judge she responded, "All I know is a letter we got said he was eligible for work release so he needs to come to court and tell the judge they won't let him work. They won't let him out of jail to go to court in another jurisdiction. Duh! I flat told this woman that if a customer service person responded to a customer with answers like she did and in the way she does in my organization they would be unemployed.

Faxed a letter of incarceration to another jurisdiction. Was told by clerk she would tell judge and get a continuation and call me back. No contact, no call. Am I wrong to expect someone to do what they told me they were going to do?

Maybe someone in the legal field would be so kind as to enlighten me if this is standard operating procedure. Truthfully, I am losing more and more respect for our judicial system and law enforcement the more contact I have with these agencies.

Drugs Are My Prison

I got a note from my cousin's husband. He forwarded a song that was written by his brother's girlfriend whose son died after many years of drug addiction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQ9tB0z7Ucc

Addiction Is An Illness Not A Crime

Lou, forwarded me a petition and ask me to post this on my blog. It is a mother's initiative in Indiana to force mandatory treatment on addicts. I know mandatory treatment may not be the end all of addiction but it can force an addict to look at themselves. I believe each step towards sobriety builds upon the last. Sometimes it takes many steps. Please review this material and if you find it useful please sign the petition, I have.

Since I no longer blog, I was wondering if you might pass this along in your blog.

I have just read and signed the petition: "The Jennifer Act - Involuntary Drug Treatment". A mother who lost her daughter to addiction has almost single-handily taken this cause on. You can read her story. I personally feel any period of sobriety, forced or otherwise, is a step toward permanent recovery. I had never heard of this law until I stumbled onto her blog. As a parent of an adult addict, I want to help her get the word out.

Please take a moment to read about this important issue, and join me in signing the petition. It takes just 30 seconds, but can truly make a difference. We are trying to reach 5000 signatures - please sign here: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/the-jennifer-act---involuntary-drug-treatment/

Once you have signed, you can help even more by asking your friends and family to sign as well.

Thank you! Lou


Interesting article worth reading in The Star concerning probabtion and the liklihood of repeat offenders and how low risk offenders hould be dealt with in the system. http://www.kansascity.com/2010/12/06/2502754/to-gauge-offenders-parole-kansas.html

Unrest of Jail vs. Protective Custody

In the not too long ago we saw jail as protective custody. It was a respite from the madness of having an addict in our life. We took the time to recharge our batteries in preparation for his release and a resumption of the madness that had invaded our life.

Today we suffer the effects of having a loved on in jail that we wish to be around. That is quite a change. To compound the effects of this time our "enlightened" system in Leavenworth County allows visits ONLY Monday thru Thursday, 1pm to 4:30pm, no weekend or holiday visits. Who in their infinite wisdom designs a system like this? Plus like every system I am aware of there are only collect calls and they are $10 for 10 minutes.

I've never really given much thought to the US penal system; its mission and its methods. What is the balance between punishment and rehabilitation? What should it be? Should the mentally ill be as part of the general population? (there was an article in the KC Star today about that) How or should we help the addicted in jail, take the time and put forth the effort during this time clean to introduce them to recovery options and life? Or is it lock'em up throw away the key? Can we really afford that attitude? To many questions by one not familiar with the system and few answers.

Luck Runs Out :-(

We live in the corner of a county that allows access to 3 other counties all within just a very few miles. Because of that it was easy for our son during his time of using to spread out his offenses across many counties and many municipalities. Now he is going to court and trying to clean up the messes. Last week I told you all he got a couple of weekends in jail in two of the counties. Today he went to court in another county. It didn't go as well, he got 6 months in jail. They took him into custody immediately.

Looks like his luck ran out but I keep in mind that it could have been worse. He may not have the same opinion.

Thankful

We all have many things to be thankful for in our life even if we do have a loved one addicted to awful substances. Sometimes it is so hard to remember that in the midst of drama and crisis that seems never ending.

So I don't forget I am listing a few from my list as it relates to addiction and this blog.

I am thankful my son is clean today. Today is what I have been given and tomorrow will be another not to be feared or celebrated, only to be lived.

I am thankful for all of our family and friends that support us when we needed it in dark times.

I am thankful for every word of advice all of you wise friends have offered on this blog and in person.

I am thankful for all of the parents that are lost in their child's addiction and have searched and found blogs and resources to help with their pain and education. We were those parents not so long ago.

I am thankful I never lost sight of hope.

I am thankful that there are people so willing to give of themselves to help others in this madness. They are the ones willing to stand up in front of others and admit that have walked this tangled path, there is a way.

I'm sure there are many more things but I have to get to work now, of which is another thing I am thankful for.

Reading Material

I just finished reading a blog from a person that made a comment to one of my posts. This parent has a son that has been in recovey for 2 years, his drug of choice was opiates.

I want to highly recommend this writing. His writings and reflections are so insightful. Please visit his sight and read all of his posts to date. He just began writing in October and all of us should feel lucky that he has shared his thoughts and learnings on his sons addiction, recovery and his own recovery.

Addiction Journal


ps.: The Partnership @ Drugfree.org has published another one of my essay's on their Intervene site: Been There, Done That: How Personal Stories Can Help Fight Teen Pressure to Use Drugs

Relief

Yesterday my son passed a couple of milestones in justice. He had two court appearances that could have carried significant time in jail. The first appearance in the morning he had been advised by his attorney chances were likely he would receive 90 days in the county jail. I don't know what was done or said, maybe the the judge did see a different young man standing before him. The sentence wound up being 2 weekends in jail, and my son gets to choose the weekends of his convenience.

The second appearance in a different county also carried a high chance of an extended stay at the county resort. Again only 2 weekends however the judge did mandate they be the next two consecutive weekends.

It's such a relief by all; the outcome was best as could be expected. Alex is still stressing from all of the fines. I tried to comfort him by explaining something that took me many more years to learn than he has been alive.

Money is easy. His initial response was a "HUH, yea!" I went on to explain, every single day we get an opportunity to make more money. Money is easy what comes today goes away tomorrow and more comes to take its' place. Money is nothing more than dirty paper and heavy metal. It provides a measure of comfort but fails by its very nature to provide joy.

Time and relationships are what's important. When you lose time and relationships that is irreplaceable. Every minute that goes by is gone forever, every dollar through your fingers gets replaced by another later. Joy is what you get from time and relationships. It's not the discomfort of jail that is the punishment. The loss of those minutes towards creating joy for yourself and in others is the punishment.

He seemed OK with what I said but I know from personal experience it takes a lot more life experience to accept a belief like this rather than acceptance because someone telling you it is so.

Lately Alex and his girlfriend have been joining us on Friday Date night. It is fun having them with us and we have been connecting with him in a way we have missed for several years. Looks like he will miss a few Friday's but that is OK. We'll catch up later.

ps.: almost forgot he does get to have Thanksgiving with all of us. :-) wonder if I will be able to think of something to be thankful for this year?

Fair and Equal???

I just wrote a post about the philosophical meaning of fair and equal as I feel about the concepts to me. I read the thing to myself a couple times and thought to myself, what a load of crap. Just spit out what you wanted to say without justifying.

Fair and equal are not the same thing. Given a choice I'd rather be treated fairly every time over being treated equally. Fair means sometimes my expectations of myself and the expectations of others of me are much greater than for others. Fair means a recognition that my skills and abilities in some areas are below par and due to my nature I may never reach average or adequate in some peoples eyes. I want this recognition of me as an individual. I do not want to be just lumped into a mass and treated equally.

This subject is particularly striking today. Our system here in the US is based upon "all men are created equal." To me a fallacy in concept. None of us are equal. We all have differing strengths and weaknesses. Unfortunately, fairness is impossible to achieve on a mass scale so we settle for a flawed but easy concept of equality.

As parents we tend to waiver between fair and equal. How many of you with more than one kid has caught yourself saying, "If I do this for ____ then I have to do that for ____." A recognition that maybe you are doing something for one person that they need but in an effort to be "fair" we try to make everything "equal". Guilty as a parent here at times, equal is so much better than hurt feelings or explaining yourself.

This is weighing on my mind today because Alex is once again in court. This time he could be looking at up to 90 days in jail for driving on a suspended license. He got caught driving to work a few weeks ago and I didn't even know he had a suspended license. The harsh reality is that when he was using he got his license suspended and got caught once driving then too. Now he is facing the consequences. I am all for consequences but this is where the concept of fairness and equality get thrown into the mix and I struggle.

I don't envy judges and probation officers. How do you look at a person and recognize sincerity versus a con job? What does our justice system have in place to facilitate rehabilitation and restitution instead of punishment? And how do people in the system make an educated decision about a person when from what I have seen in courtrooms you usually get 10 minutes with a public defender and 3 minutes in front of a judge?

Why am I whining? I was an advocate for locking him up when he was using, we wanted him locked up and believe each time he was incarcerated that was a step forward that helped all of us to get to the point we are today. We are at a point today that my son is a different individual with very different values than he had 6 months ago. 6 months ago my son was suffering from an active disease and its symptoms called addiction. Today he is struggling but his disease is in what I think of as remission. Never cured but controlled.

My hope is that today in court someone recognizes that the young man standing in front of them this morning is not the same person that has been in that room so many times before.

case continued - waiting on background reports. (whatever that means, I'm not very literate in all this court stuff)

A Tangible Outcome

These are a couple of messages the sponsoring teacher left for me following our talk. One she posted as a comment in the last post and the other was an e-mail. I hope they are as inspiring for you as they are for me.

a comment:

I am the teacher who was present when Alex and Ron spoke with the students. Today I spent 45 minutes talking with a student who was moved by the experience. This person had been involved with drug, and her brother is a drug addict. She said seeing Alex, and listening to him, gave her more confidence that she did the right thing getting away from the drugs and her brother. She says she is the only one in her family clean, and that she knew how much strength it must have taken to come speak with the class. She said, "Alex was amazing! I know he'll make it! I hope that he will come back and talk with other students because he made a difference in me."

an email:

Uh, tell Alex, he did have an impact.  Since the 3rd block 

presentation, I've had 3 kids speak 
out about someone in his/her family being an addict.  And, the pain of not being able to see 
him/her because of the addiction. Opened up some 

conversations! 

UNBELIEVABLE!!!

Unbelievable is the only way to describe what happened speaking to the students at our high school.

This morning I went out to speak to Alex and tell him I wouldn't be having lunch with him today. He inquired why we wouldn't be having lunch together and I told him I was speaking at the high school to students about addiction. In the past my speaking and writing sometimes irritated him, especially if I was speaking to people at his former high school. So naturally I was reluctant to tell what I was doing but I was straight up with him.

His response to my speaking today was an inquiry if it would be possible for him to go with me. He wanted to talk to the kids himself about what he had been through. I was nearly speechless. Do you have any idea how huge this was.

We went for lunch and headed to the school. The sponsoring teacher was actually a teacher Alex had in school. I did my talk and Alex contributed some comments and after the main talk was finished the teacher ask Alex a couple questions and then the students opened the floodgates with questions. Alex handled everyone of them. The students were riveted to him. I just sat down at an empty desk.

I'm am telling every person that reads this blog; I cannot remember when I was so proud of my son. I was so proud I stood up in front of all of those kids and told them with my voice cracking how proud I was of him to step up to this place with me.

What a day, what a thrill.

ps.: I had invited the Superintendent of Schools for our district and he attended the talk and listened right along with the kids.

Invited Back

Last year I was given the opportunity to speak to students at our local high school about the effects of addiction on a person and family. I have been invited back to speak to another group of students at our high school again on Wednesday, Nov. 10.

This is a chance for every one of you to stand with me and send your message to freshmen students with a few sophomores and juniors sprinkled in the mix. Tell me the one thing they absolutely need to hear from us. My plan is to use the same basic presentation format but if someone has a point that needs to be said please let me know. It's not to late to add something that may be the key to a message.

For those that didn't read about last years presentation and its effect here is a link to the communication from the sponsoring teacher of that presentation.

The Response

Follow-up To Previous Post

Two requests/questions have been ask by readers concerning my post about how much work it is parenting an addict. One, detaching with love, how? Two, what is, working on things that didn't accomplish or mean a thing? Both of these questions are complex. The difficulty in these issues involve relationships with your child and yourself.

Detaching does not mean not loving or believing in your child. Detaching does not mean walking away and giving your child to the drugs and washing your hands of the whole situation.

Detaching with love is difficult. Mom and I struggle with this daily and it it is ongoing. But it is something that is good for us and good for our son. If, as a parent you want to do what is best for your child no matter how old they are and how much they are struggling you will work on this every day.

To detach with love requires a little bit of selfish behavior that rewards both entities. Detaching with love requires good boundaries. Without taking the time to set good boundaries and understanding exactly how your boundaries match your core values you will find yourself forever in rescue mode.

Operating in rescue mode means you will react to every emotion, crisis and incident of drama in both your life and your addicts. Rescue mode will consume you and every ounce of your energy and it is self perpetuating. The more rescuing you do the more you will find to rescue. Think of those people that have made it their life's mission and job to rescue: firefighters, police officers, military specialists, lifeguards; not a single one of them attempts to rescue anyone without first understanding their boundaries. Without clear boundaries rescuers become the rescued. This applies to parents of addicts too.

Detaching with love means you understand and buy-in to your own personal values and how they relate to the behavior you exhibit to your addict. I know very well this is complicated. This requires you to study about boundaries, create the quiet time to really analyze what you believe about addiction and your child and depending on the person and family it may require you to seek outside counsel of friends, counselors or outside groups. But even with all the help this is a deeply personal task.

Working on things that did not accomplish a damn thing. With most of us this does not just apply to our addict, it applies to our lives. A wise man once counseled me that if I spent my life making only new mistakes then my life was truly a life of learning. When I think of the things I did and worked on with my addict much of that time could be considered wasted or even worse repeating the same mistakes I had already made. Many of the specific examples I could cite are actually repeated mistakes and most of them relate to being in rescue mode that at the time I didn't even recognize as a method of parenting or living with an addicted child.

Wasted efforts and wasted time is the effort and time in which you learn nothing and in which you do not change yourself. That's the simplest answer that only becomes complex when you think about application. The problem is the application again can vary based upon the family, addict and circumstances.

20/20, Teens Hooked On Heroin

In case you missed the ABC News show 20/20 did on teens and heroin here is a link to the entire show.

Teens Hooked On Heroin

How Much Work Is It?

How much work is it parenting an addict?

This is going to a be a selfish post. Not one of self pity but one of realization. For over one seventh of my life I have been parent to an addict in active addiction. Of course for the first two years we existed in oblivion of his disease. I'm finding that is not uncommon, unfortunately.

Addiction doesn't recognize vacations, time off, or holiday's. This is a 24/7 disease. The drama invades every waking and sleeping moment of a parents life. Phone calls at all hours and the overwhelming fear of each ring that the message is that ultimate horror.

Relationships crumble dealing with the drama of an addict. Let'em go, stop enabling, cut'em loose, kick'em out of your life, just ignore them, are all phrases that cut you like a knife through hot butter. Every one of them spoken by people that love you and are well intentioned but don't seem to realize that this is your child. Words come easily from those that have never worn these shoes.

Addiction is work. Not just for the addict that struggles every single hour to find a way of getting that next hit but also for all of those that love an addict. Work for those parents that now find themselves raising grandchildren. Added stress for those parents struggling with jobs. Our struggling with parental shame and self doubt caused by the inability of our society and nation as a whole to recognize the effects of this disease. Struggling with our own conflicting beliefs about drugs and drug addicts.

Detach with love. If only it were that easy.

But detach with love is what we must do, not just for our own sanity and life but for the health of our addict. Detaching with love is just another "thing" we must learn to do as if we don't have enough already.

It seems a lot easier to sit back now and come up with what we should do while our son is in recovery and doing well but isn't that the way it always is for most things. Reflection and deliberation is how I learn. Without a time of peace it is hard to take a moment for yourself but it is something that you must do for your own health.

There is no doubt in my mind that this has aged Mom and I considerably. No one goes through this with a child without an nearly unbearable heartache. Sleepless nights, financial stress, the compromising of our own personal values does damage I am not sure is measurable.

Just because right now our son is in recovery does not mean our work is finished. There is a path of destruction behind us in our own wake with our own life and issues. Most of it I am not going even worry about cleaning up. Selfishly, I want a break, but at some point some of the work needs to be done.

How much work is it? It's a hell of a lot of work, but it's worth it if you are working on the right things. My biggest regret is I spent so much effort working on things that didn't mean or accomplish a damn thing.