No Magic Bullet

As I said in my last post. There is NO magic bullet to end this addiction monster. It will take work by thousands and thousands of individuals reaching out and touching another person. The real answer is that personal touch. Here is a story about one of those people. Many, many more deserve the same recognition but, from my experience, the recognition isn't the reason we do this work.

"BLHS softball coach Mayberry wins MLB award for drug-free education efforts"

Skipping Down the Path

Life is happening. It's not the drama and crisis of life with an addict. It is the life that we thought about before an addicted loved one changed everything we believed about our children.

Last night Alex and Kristy moved into a house they rented. Out of an apartment where the playground for Kristy's girls was a parking lot. It is a smaller place but "home" is what you make it.

Halloween is Monday. Mom told me that Alex and Kristy are taking the girls to Leslie's house and they are going to trick or treat with Brooke in her neighborhood. This will be Brooke's first year to realize that extortion and blackmail are legitimate and viable methods for obtaining sweet snacks. She already knows that manipulation works on PaPa and Grammy. Mom and I will be there to share in all three kids excitement and fun.

Brooke is 3 years old. I can't believe that little thing I am holding in our profile picture is now 3 years old. She is a big girl for 3. She wears a size 6x clothes and 13 shoe. Girl must have come from good stock.  LOL

The newspaper interviewed me about nominating Susan for the MLB Play Healthy Award. The article will come out next week. I'll put a link to it when it is published. Something I told the person that interviewed me is something I have come to understand and work each day towards. "There is no silver bullet or magic wand that will end this addiction monster. Our only hope is hundreds and thousands of Susan's and parents reaching out and making a difference with one kid at a time." All I ask of each person reading this blog is: Each day try to "touch" one child in some way. Maybe it is your own that is struggling with active using or maybe it is a sibling, relative, or neighbor, Maybe it is some child you don't know in a school, church, a team or a club, just make an effort in someway. All it takes for evil to win is for the good to do nothing.

CONGRATULATIONS! Susan Mayberry

Tonight, The Partnership at Drugfree.org held their 25th Annual Gala and fund raising event. As a part of that event an announcement was made about the 2011 Play Healthy Award winner. This is an award sponsored by Major League Baseball, Major League Baseball Charities and The Partnership at Drugfree.org. This award is given to a single coach and a player from nominations of deserving coaches  and players from across the nation.

Tonight in New York City at the Waldorf=Astoria, SUSAN MAYBERRY, coach of the Basehor Linwood Bobcats softball team was introduced and announced as the National Play Healthy Coaches Award Winner.

Susan's efforts in coaching and working with her players and students concerning the risks and dangers of drug use in the pursuit of success on the field and off the field made her a winner of this National Award.

I had the proud honor of nominating Susan for this award and she was chosen by Major League Baseball and The Partnership. I nominated her based on her initiative to bring the experience of drug abuse and addiction right into her classroom. Along with her efforts along with Ms. Knowles the drama teacher at BLHS in presenting "Under The Influence" play. You can read about our first hand experiences here:
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/03/response.html
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/11/tangible-outcome.html
http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/04/review-under-influence.html

The Play Healthy Award: http://playhealthy.drugfree.org/default.aspx

Congratulations, Susan. You deserve this honor and keep up the good work.

Writing On This Blog

It seems to get tougher and tougher to find things to write about on this blog about addiction. Addiction is no longer front and center in our life. We don't take a breath and hold it like it was so easy to do for so many years. We allowed addiction to consume our lives. I'm sure so many of you know that feeling and may still be living in that manner.

I don't know what tomorrow holds but for today I am going to be conscious of life today and enjoy the peace.

Sometimes I think hard about, "What really happened for seven years? What have I REALLY learned? How did we survive? What caused this change in our life?" I'm sorry but I really don't have any solid answers. This sometimes troubles me but I am trying to let go of my need for a concrete answer to these issues. I guess I have to learn with some things "it is what it is."

Now I am satisfied with just trying to relate our experiences to others. Hopefully, it will help them through the nightmare or it will persuade a young person not to follow a path to addiction.

The little things matter as we relate to our son. A, "thank you" that is sincere. A text message or phone call that isn't originating from a police station. Having an open change jar in our bedroom that is slowly filling with silver. Hearing the words, "Mom, I'll get that diaper." Watching him take responsibility with his own health insurance card. Some people not experienced with addiction may read this and think, "Big deal." Yes it is, it is a big deal.

My son is someone I enjoy being around. Couldn't say that with honesty a few years ago.

Where there is life there is hope. But isn't just about hoping for your son, daughter or loved one to stop using. That's certainly part of it but life is happening all around us and allowing addiction to steal life from us is a terrible waste.

Fall Festival 2011

It was another great time for Fall Festival. The weather was warm and didn't resemble Fall at all but the leaves on the trees were turning yellow so that puts you in the mood.

The real positive was that it was warm enough for the babies to be outside so that enables the moms and dads to have fun outside too. If you want to see the pictures to Fall Festival check out the pictures link.

Fall Festival 2011

Big Head Alert!

I just went to The Partnership's website and they have my 7 Truths essay highlighted on their Homepage.

The Partnership at Drugfree.org

Parents Help Line

If your looking for someone to talk to about your child using drugs or drinking The Partnership at Drugfree.org staffs a parent help line for you to call. This is not a 24 hour emergency line but a line staffed with clinical professionals that you can talk with to get info or make plans. This is a bi-lingual line.

1-855-DRUGFREE  (1-855-378-4373) 

Time To Get Help

Our Helpline is open Monday through Friday, 10:00 am to 6:00 pm ET. We are closed on weekends and holidays. The Helpline is not a crisis line. If you do not connect with a parent specialist, please leave a message and we will make every effort to get back to you by the next business day. If you are in need of immediate or emergency services please call 911 or a 24 hour crisis hotline.


Our parent specialists are licensed social workers and psychologists with years of experience helping individuals and their families prevent and overcome substance abuse problems.

Alzheimers and Addiction

As I have mentioned before, my mother has Alzheimer's. She has good days and bad days. She still lives at home with my sister and is alone all day while my sister works. It hasn't gotten so bad she needs full time care.

I'm an impatient person. I'm not sure I could be a primary caregiver like my sister but one never knows what they are capable of doing until it is required of them. However, in dealing with Alex I have learned very good life lessons about patience and acceptance.

I see at times similarities with Alzheimer's and addiction. Patience and acceptance are characteristics highly valued in dealing with either condition. In the past I could see myself not understanding the limits of a person, even with a disease. It just wasn't my nature. Fortunately I had enough time with Alex that I learned the necessity of  patience and acceptance. I can't imagine how I would have handled it if something tragic would have happened to him before I got to that place.

Alex is getting better. I see him maturing and growing. I'm not saying that it is over and he is cured. I am just saying that progress can actually be observed in his life. Nothing like that comes without struggle and I am sure there are struggles for him I cannot imagine but that is his world and I try hard to stay out of that world so that he continues to grow.

With my mom, there will only be good days and bad days. There isn't long term recovery. But I see her doing all she can too. It would be easy to become impatient, answering the same question, telling her the same thing over and over but I have learned a great deal from my son, even as he was addicted.

Alzheimer's, just like addiction, you must accept what they have to give. These are diseases of the mind. Each disabling in a way I do not understand but must accept. Each person doing exactly what makes sense to them at that very moment, is that wrong what they do or is it just the way it is? The way it is must be accepted. There really isn't an alternative with either person. They are both doing the best they can.

Once again I need to work on myself. I need to find a way to use my time more wisely. The urgent must not overwhelm the important. The important is watching my son grow. The important is being a hero grandpa to a couple of little ones. The important is to see my mom smile when I visit because she still recognizes me. The urgent can wait, the garage can remain a mess another day and the grass may grow a little higher than I like.

Tough Love - The Language of Negativity

The language of addiction is laced with many terms that seem to be designed to scare everyone. Many words and descriptors of addiction make me cringe “Hitting bottom”, is a term I have written about before. Another term that I recently been exploring and considering is “Tough Love”.


TOUGH LOVE is harsh. Tough Love is another descriptor that bothers me. For a parent to do what is necessary with an addicted child isn't "tough love" it is REAL LOVE. Real love is letting your child sit in jail (protective custody) when for only a few dollars you could get him out and spare them from the confines of jail. (Only to find them using again with two hours.) Real love is telling your child they cannot live in your home as they continue to use drugs. Real love is seeing your addict hungry, dirty and homeless, buying them a meal and giving them info of people that can help them and encouraging them to seek help and not offering to "fix it" for them. Real love is selfishly taking the time to work on yourself so that when your addict has a "profound experience" you ARE able to help in the right way instead of just falling back into old habits of enabling.

Addiction is a disease. When we see a parent sitting bedside of a child with cancer taking chemotherapy, holding their hand, wiping their head, combing their hair as it falls out, holding the pan as they get sick we admire that parent and comment how much they must love their child to be by their side. That parent doesn’t love their child any more than you or I. That parent is only doing what they can and must to help their child get better; just like we are doing when we practice tough love real love.

Real Love is why you are here reading this post.

Tough love is easy, throw them out and leave them to the world.

Peace and Serenity?

Is it possible for an animal to find peace and serenity?

Our old cat, Bailey is not doing well. For the last few months he has be especially affectionate, always wanting to be on your lap or close. The last month he has wanted to go outside, he has never been restricted from the outside. When he was a kitten and young cat he was outside a lot always hunting and many times bringing back mice and birds. Then I don't think he went outside for over 5 years.

He has gotten steadily thinner this summer and stopped his grooming probably a month ago. He stopped eating about 3 days ago and now all he wants to do is lay on the rocks around the goldfish pond. This is where many of his successful hunts took place. For some reason he seems at peace. Is peace and serenity only a human characteristic or can an old cat find that place too?

Day After Day

Just a little update. I find I am not writing much about the day to day any longer. I guess when the drama and crisis lessens then the need to unload is diminished.

Alex and Kristy's baby is doing great. Tyler is just a little, squirming bundle of happiness. He is growing so fast. Already lifting his head up when he is on his stomach, which he doesn't seem to like much. We took him some of those black and white cards last night. He really seemed interested. It is amazing how those work. When Erica, Alex's oldest sister was born they were first experimenting with those and gave us some at the hospital and they really work. Even as small as Tyler is he was really intrigued and you could see his eyes following them.

Darlene is getting better after her emergency surgery for a ruptured appendix. Although she had a minor setback last night, we received the hospital bill, just the hospital, over $43,000. Someone should be ashamed. Luckily we have insurance. What about those that don't? We have a broken health care system and those that don't believe that have their heads in the sand. Or worse yet have been brainwashed by the industry and politicians.

Working on preparations for our annual Fall Festival. This is the 8th year. The invitations went into the mail yesterday. Any readers close the KC area let me know and I will send you an invitation too. As it says on the invitation, "Bring anyone you want with you, we love making new friends." We always try to introduce something new each year. This year I am going to construct a real size Angry Birds game. I am gathering materials to build the piggies area. Some type of blocks, boards, posts and ladders, Leslie had a good idea about painting milk cartons to look like the piggies. I know how to build a big slingshot, Erica and Leslie are going to paint up some red playground balls to resemble the angry birds. I hope this game doesn't flop.

Another new thing is a guy that works with me is a national tournament level yo-yo'er. He has invited a bunch of his friends in the KC YO-YO club to come and they have partnered with the KC Jugglers Club. A bunch of yo-yo'ers and jugglers are coming to Fall Festival and going to demonstrate their talents. I am really looking forward to seeing those tricks.

Fall Festival is something we really enjoy doing before it gets cold here in KS. The price of admission is low. The ticket price is you must sit for a picture. Erica and Darlene construct a photo book of each Fall Festival and family photos are a huge part of the experience. We post them all online and I was amazed at how many Christmas cards we got that had the Fall Festival family photo as part of the card. Erica said, the photo book this year is about 65 pages. I can understand why, with all the family photos and all the photos of the games and winners and kids playing. We always have all the years photo books on a table outside during Fall Festival and people are looking at them all day comparing years, new gray hairs and weights I am sure. Here is a link to last years photos: Fall Festival 2010

BTW, I read all the other blogs and I read where some of our kids and some adults writing their own blogs are clean. Every day I think about how lucky I am to be experiencing this life. Every day I hold out hope for every other child or parent that is fighting this terrible disease. Where there is life there is hope. When we look around there is life everywhere we look. Hope is every bit as real as you are reading this right now. My hope today is that no matter the circumstances you will find a moment of peace in your life and feel the love of those around you.

Assumptions

We all know what it means to ass-u-me but I was pretty bad about making assumptions based upon past experience. While my son was using my assumption most of the time was it would never end. A logical assumption was that every weekend there would be drama and a crisis, and just to stay prepared there was always practice dramas and crisis all through the week too. So naturally my assumption was that nothing would ever change.

After taking time I began to understand that my assumptions were destroying whatever peace that happened my way. It was a real struggle for me to get over my assumptions. I have lived my life with high expectations of myself and just about anyone around me. In my mind constant and consistent learning renews me makes me better, from that the natural assumption was that everyone would want the same. My assumptions were toxic to my well being and mental health.

Living life based on assumptions left me very little time for another even more important "A" word, appreciation.

Today I am better about dropping assumptions but I am still pushing myself to get better every day. As I work on that I am learning I have more time to appreciate life's rewards and struggles. I think of where we all were 12 months, 18 months or even 5 years ago and can better appreciate the place we are today. It would have been my nature to take things and people for granted.

Appreciation is slowly replacing ass-u-me. Appreciation is being able to just sit and watch my son play football and golf in the backyard with his sisters and brother-laws on Labor Day. Appreciation is seeing my son and daughters play games with the kids, forgetting that there is a 20 year age difference. Appreciation is the way a granddaughter grabs my finger, looks up and says, "Papa, swing me" or a tiny grandson that falls asleep when I hold him.

When I am able to release the turmoil inside I get these rewards. I think I have made a good trade. No matter what happens in the future I like this place better and I am going to try my best to remain there.

Anderson Cooper's New Show

I got an e-mail from a producer of Anderson Cooper's new show debuting on Sept. 12. They are looking for parents of addicts on the east coast, New York area or able to travel there on this Friday. She said they are doing a show on parents of addicts and would love to have parents in the audience to interact. 


If you are close enough and interested here is Shana's, the producer, e-mail: shana.slutsky@andersoncooper.com 

Here is her phone number: (212) 275-8929.

Shana ask me to publicize this to people reading my blog and 
might have an interest in attending the show.

New Partnership Post

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has published another one of my essays. This one is not just a repost of something I put on the blog.

My Sons Drug Addiction, What I Learned About Myself

Negotiating Recovery

We've all done it. Seldom, if ever does it work. We make deals, we are willing to sell our soul, our dignity and our future to an addict in an effort to stop the madness.

My efforts to negotiate recovery involved buying things, providing gifts, paying for medical treatment, rehab and rents. All this in a fruitless attempt to bargain away the addiction from my son. This all happens while we enable our addicts and deny the reality.

Then we begin to get smarter about enabling and stop wasting our treasures. But all that does is lead us to a  new phase of negotiating. We begin negotiating with our self. We whisper inside that if I see this and this and that then I can do this and this and that.

How do you negotiate with an addict that has no sense of justice or fair play? How can you negotiate with an addict that suffers from a disease that results in behaviors a sane person would deem insane? An addict will not and cannot negotiate away their addiction. As long as you indulge in negotiating with addiction you have everything to lose and there is nothing to gain.

So what's the answer? You must live in the world of a reality that involves seeing the picture as it is not how you want it to be. Stepping back and taking in the holistic nature of this disease and how it not only affects the addict but all those that they touch is the first step. From that place I was able to see that negotiating was hopeless. Then it came down to figuring out where I actually stood in relationship to the disease and my relationship with my addict.

At that point I began to understand what boundaries meant. At that point there is no negotiating. The only thing left is deciding where you can go and where you cannot go.

Parents

Us parents are an imperfect bunch, but we try really hard.

(just a reminder)

A New Moniker

No matter what my son has been called in the past by me or anyone else. The reputation, the names and the past actions mean nothing today because today he is saddled with a new moniker that will be with him the rest of his life, Daddy.

Tyler Alexander Grover

5:38 pm    8/19/11

7 lbs 1 oz

19''

Don't they both look good.

You Are Not Alone

The Partnership at Drugfree.org has launched a new program. It is called "You Are Not Alone".

It is parents talking directly to parents in short video clips. If you are interested you can check it out here:

I've done one video but I promised them I would do more when I get the time. It isn't easy. I can stand in front of people and speak naturally all day but as soon as that red light came on the video camera it was if a gun was pointed at my head. I'll have to work on my delivery.

Recovery Doesn't Mean Perfect

This post isn't about any specific action or thing. This is simply a reminder to myself and others that recovery doesn't mean perfect.

It's important that I think of my son and treat him as a human being, not a special case of someone in a weird place called "recovery". Human beings work, play, think, have dreams, wants and are free to do whatever they believe is important to succeed financially and spiritually. A person in recovery is free to live that life and it is important that I recognize that fact. A person in recovery must also be free to make mistakes and experience hardship just as the rest of us do each day. Without the freedom to live learn grow and make mistakes there can be no growth.

Through fear, past experience or whatever it is not fair for me to put unrealistic expectations on my son just because I fear the past so much. Unrealistic expectations not only hurt me they hurt everyone around me. I must not walk lightly around my son and I must not expect perfection. He deserves to be treated and loved just the same as my other children. Each of them are different and have different needs based upon their own lives.

The past is past, I will get better as learn to allow the past to be in the past.

Another Addict In Recovery

Here is another addict in recovery writing to help themselves and others. She has just started blogging.


Genrxation