Monday, June 21, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Fathers Day and a Very Personal Decision
Today I have two very personal things I want to discuss and in that I want to express more thanks to people than it is possible to express either here or in person but I want to give it all I got.
First of all, happy Father's Day to my Father. My father died in 1982, I was 26 years old. When I look at myself I guess I can thank my dad for my gray hair, for being 5'11" the same height as he was and probably countless other genetic "hand me downs". But, the most important gift he passed along to me was wisdom. My father was a wise and thoughtful man. My father was a patient man, that I see now as one of the traits of wisdom. Sometimes when issues are especially difficult I can hear words or phrases from him in my mind. I am still learning lessons from my dad. It is the most amazing thing to a see dead man become smarter and smarter every day he lies in that grave.
An Update On My Son (family) On Fathers Day
This is going to a long update because there is a lot to say.
This has been a very hard week for Mom and I, maybe one of the most emotional weeks for both of us since this whole nightmare began. It has been hard between us together and hard alone. You all know what happened on the outside from reading, I may get too personal but this involves what happens to a father and mother trying to make a life or death decision.
Right up front I know some of you may agree with our decision and some may disagree. As I have learned through all of this there are few absolute rights and few absolute wrongs. The reality there is only life and those cards are dealt one day at a time no matter if you are an addict or just a lifer. We welcome and value comments either way.
We knew our decision was a life or death decision. We also knew without saying that each of us had to make that decision for our own self even before we could articulate what our feelings were inside. I don't know how mom made her decision but I am going to share what I went through and what we have done together this weekend.
I struggled, I didn't have an answer for this problem, I sought help. First I want to thank everyone that commented on my posts this week. I have read them over and over so many times I can almost quote your comments and impressions. This is one of the reasons blogging has helped me more than just about anything during this period in my life, all of you. I hope one day I can repay all of you with the right words at the right time as you have for me.
Also I spoke personally to others. I spoke with someone close to me that in her younger life she was a user and she was also a stepmother to an addict. She knows my son. I am going to share a thought that made an impression on my decision. She said, "Your son is a very smart person but I do not think he may have what he needs to be homeless and make the decision to turn around. He is a thinker and needs guidance, without some guidance and influence he is the person that will give up because he is impatient." Another person I know that is also struggling with addiction in his family said nothing other than, "How is Alex?" His point to make a special effort to inquire about my son in the midst of all of his issues actually said more than a here's what you ought to do type response. We went to dinner Friday night with friends, she has a son that is 31 years old and has been an active addict since his early teens. Just needed to be around someone of our own kind. It is easy to vent and be relaxed without explaining bizarre behavior.
Most importantly I want to thank my oldest daughter. Yesterday was a tough day. Mom was crying, I was angry there was nothing constructive happening other than I had taken out one window in the house and had a new one installed. We didn't know what to do and it seemed that there was no way we could get to an answer alone. Our daughter came over and mediated plus she had a vested interest in this, after all this is her only brother. She brought calmness and wisdom with her. What followed was a 3 hour discussion and an issue solving exercise that she suggested.
Leave him in jail, bail him out, throw him out of the house into homelessness, what are we going to do. We knew this was a decision that could have repercussions maybe for the rest of our lives, not just his life.
Ultimately in considering everything, including finding out that one of his dealers was actually considering bailing him out. Our daughter's counsel over 3 hours came down to if we don't do something then he will die. He may die anyway but you cannot leave options on the table never to be explored. Our daughter said, Alex is making deals with the devil, the devil needs some competition. We need to become Alex's devil. Give him a clear choice. She suggested we develop a list of specific behaviors that he must sign off. She said make it clear he does have a choice, that we a now OK with his using and leaving. Part on good terms and maybe one day in the future our paths may cross again, maybe not. We have become OK with our life. The physical part of our decision I want to share now.
Right or wrong we bailed him out of jail but on our terms. We exerted the control we needed on our life. I know we can't control him but we operate best when we have structure and this helps us, if it doesn't work for him that's OK. We are still at the same place.
Our daughter suggested our son be required to sign off on the expectations we have before even being bailed out. It was really quite odd. We made a list and had to pass it to the corrections officer to give to Alex to read and sign. The officer watched it all and I could see him reading over the shoulder, grinning, he then put his hands up and told our son, "Hey, we have nothing to do with this, this is between you and them." Pointing to us on the other side of the glass.
We made it clear homelessness is his next step. We wanted to put that reality in writing not just another threat delivered in anger. Below I am going to post his conditions that he initialed every line and signed and dated in full at the bottom. This "contract" will be posted in our home where we all can keep it in the forefront of our thoughts. Here is the deal our son made with the devil. I don't know how this will work but we hope to be a better devil than his drugs and dealers. His signed this deal with the devil.
___________ You will come clean on all activities that has occurred in our home.
___________ You will turn over every paycheck to dad and money will be allotted to you based upon a predetermined budget.
___________ You will supply a list of your dealers along with phone numbers and addresses, which will be turned over to law enforcement.
___________ No driving will be allowed until a letter from the state of Kansas certifying your license has been re-instated.
___________ No alcohol of any type will be consumed at any time.
___________ No drugs of any kind, including marijuana will be used at any time.
___________ You will attend and participate in family counseling with Dad, Mom and any other family members that is required or wants to attend.
___________ You will begin an active recovery program. (simply “not using” is not sufficient)
___________ An active job search for a second job will take place and a second job will be used to pay all debts.
___________ You are not allowed any contact with, (names omitted but specifically name every person we know he did drugs with) or any other known or unknown active addict, dealer or users.
___________ There will be no stealing or “borrowing without permission” from any person, home or commercial establishment.
___________ Monday through Friday the doors to our home will lock at 10:00pm. You shall be in the house before the doors lock unless work schedules require adjustments. Adjustments must be arranged in advance.
___________ No in and out to smoke or anything else after curfew time.
___________ Weekend door schedules shall be set at the discretion of Dad and Mom.
___________ At any time you may be required to produce receipts, signed papers or and other documentation necessary to justify your expenditures or whereabouts.
___________ I understand that violation of this agreement may result in us contacting law enforcement with charges being filed against you for violations of the law.
___________ I have read this agreement understand and agree to abide by each condition that has been listed. Additional conditions may be added at any time at the discretion of (names omitted).
When we got home, the four of us discussed every point on this list and told him the work on some of these points needs to take place over time such as lists but behavior issues begin NOW.
There is no way to know the future. He may or may not have a future but Dad and Mom wish to be have a future and we have realized our current life will not allow us that wish. Changes in us and him have to happen, one way or another. But we have to be able to live with ourselves and with our decisions. Today we feel like another beginning. (been there before but that what hope does to you)
Friday, June 18, 2010
SS DD
It rips your guts out to do what you have to do when parenting an addict. And it really seems strange to talk about parenting a 22 year old man. But his actions are of a child and he treats us as parents that are suppose to provide for him so I really don't know what else to call it. Someone please, if you have a better term or phrase enlighten me.
Spoke with my son last night and he was begging and pleading to be allowed to come home if he could find someone to bail him out. I held my stance, he cannot live in our home again as long as he is the way he is as an active addict. He tried everything he knew to say including the homeless issue. Mom didn't even come straight home from work last night because she could not deal with the phone ringing constantly from jail. He doesn't seem to get that this time was a breaking point for Mom too. Mom is having a hard time, she can't even talk about it but I think she is processing and will come out better this time.
I need to read Truth # 7 again:
7. Homelessness May Be The Path He Chooses
Mom works in downtown Kansas City. When you drive down there you see homeless people with signs and some of them living under the bridges. They are dirty and hungry. They very likely are addicts, alcoholics or suffer from a mental illness. The one common denominator for all of these men and women living alone and homeless is that at some point in their life they had people that loved them. They are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends to someone. That doesn’t change their situation. They made choices that got them to this point. They can make other choices, and there are people and organizations to help them change. The key is, they must make the decisions. If our son makes the decision to live this way, it will hurt me terribly but he will do this until it is time for him to change, I cannot change him or those circumstances. It will not help him for me to give him a bed in my home if he continues to live the lifestyle.
Even though I wrote these truths that I have come to believe, I still have to go back to re-enforce what is reality for us each day.
The fairness issue is one I struggle with each day. I know that life is not fair and live that reality each day but rationalizing is hard when dealing with an addict. As an example, in our family our son has cousins the same age. These young adults are not addicts, they are going to school, working and some have even graduated college and preparing to get married. They are living at home. With the economy and schooling and a multitude of other reasons it is perfectly legitimate for them to live in the family home. This is not unique to our family it is a reality all across our nation. In fact many parents are praised, not just in our family, for helping out their adult children 20-25 years old get on their feet after college and while they look for a job or get established in a job to build the money for buying their own place. As the parent of an addict you are not afforded the same respect when you try to care for a sick young adult that is addicted. Comments of, "Why are you letting him live with you?" by others hurt you. I guess from the outside it is hard for some people to understand that it is possible to love an addict. We love our addicts just as much as we love our other children. We love our addicts just as much as other people love their non-addicted children. I think that is why it is especially hard for us to treat this disease the way we must to ensure we all come out on the other side healthy as possible. If I could go back to living where I believed that addiction was just a choice by people with poor character it would be easy to kick him out. But when you understand that addiction is a disease of the brain then it is awfully hard to turn out a sick child with no place to go.
For those that don't know, SS DD, Same Shit, Different Day
Spoke with my son last night and he was begging and pleading to be allowed to come home if he could find someone to bail him out. I held my stance, he cannot live in our home again as long as he is the way he is as an active addict. He tried everything he knew to say including the homeless issue. Mom didn't even come straight home from work last night because she could not deal with the phone ringing constantly from jail. He doesn't seem to get that this time was a breaking point for Mom too. Mom is having a hard time, she can't even talk about it but I think she is processing and will come out better this time.
I need to read Truth # 7 again:
7. Homelessness May Be The Path He Chooses
Mom works in downtown Kansas City. When you drive down there you see homeless people with signs and some of them living under the bridges. They are dirty and hungry. They very likely are addicts, alcoholics or suffer from a mental illness. The one common denominator for all of these men and women living alone and homeless is that at some point in their life they had people that loved them. They are sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, and friends to someone. That doesn’t change their situation. They made choices that got them to this point. They can make other choices, and there are people and organizations to help them change. The key is, they must make the decisions. If our son makes the decision to live this way, it will hurt me terribly but he will do this until it is time for him to change, I cannot change him or those circumstances. It will not help him for me to give him a bed in my home if he continues to live the lifestyle.
Even though I wrote these truths that I have come to believe, I still have to go back to re-enforce what is reality for us each day.
The fairness issue is one I struggle with each day. I know that life is not fair and live that reality each day but rationalizing is hard when dealing with an addict. As an example, in our family our son has cousins the same age. These young adults are not addicts, they are going to school, working and some have even graduated college and preparing to get married. They are living at home. With the economy and schooling and a multitude of other reasons it is perfectly legitimate for them to live in the family home. This is not unique to our family it is a reality all across our nation. In fact many parents are praised, not just in our family, for helping out their adult children 20-25 years old get on their feet after college and while they look for a job or get established in a job to build the money for buying their own place. As the parent of an addict you are not afforded the same respect when you try to care for a sick young adult that is addicted. Comments of, "Why are you letting him live with you?" by others hurt you. I guess from the outside it is hard for some people to understand that it is possible to love an addict. We love our addicts just as much as we love our other children. We love our addicts just as much as other people love their non-addicted children. I think that is why it is especially hard for us to treat this disease the way we must to ensure we all come out on the other side healthy as possible. If I could go back to living where I believed that addiction was just a choice by people with poor character it would be easy to kick him out. But when you understand that addiction is a disease of the brain then it is awfully hard to turn out a sick child with no place to go.
For those that don't know, SS DD, Same Shit, Different Day
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off To Jail I Go
It is almost comical the level of stupidity that an addict reaches.
Yesterday our son got arrested in a neighboring county at a large discount store that he had been told to stay out of because of past actions. Mom paid his bond and sprung him because of upcoming court dates. (can you say enabling) Dad and Mom are not at the same place on this. At least it was only $150.
Today Mom e-mails me that he is in jail today in our county. I don't know the whole story (doesn't really matter or worth caring about) but what she said was he was speeding and got pulled over and outstanding warrants. Mom says no bail today, he can just sit. (Real story I called the sheriff. Charged with: open container, driving on a suspended license, 3 outstanding warrants in two jurisdictions.) (Sheriff ask me if I needed bail amount and I told him, no, you picked him up you get to keep him, this ain't no catch and release. He just laughed.)
But in our county I am sure his car is in jail too so there will be tow charge and storage. I don't know what to do with the car. I will probably get it out and hold it for sale if he doesn't pay the charge to me. No sense in me losing the money to a tow company when I could put it in my pocket instead. (to get the car out of tow lot, $100)
Tell me from an addicts perspective what does follow the rules mean. We had that discussion last night when he got home. Addicts have got to be the stupidest f..king people on the face of the Earth.
The one thing he did listen too; I told him to never call me from jail again. He didn't call me. I guess I did reach him at some level!!!
Yesterday our son got arrested in a neighboring county at a large discount store that he had been told to stay out of because of past actions. Mom paid his bond and sprung him because of upcoming court dates. (can you say enabling) Dad and Mom are not at the same place on this. At least it was only $150.
Today Mom e-mails me that he is in jail today in our county. I don't know the whole story (doesn't really matter or worth caring about) but what she said was he was speeding and got pulled over and outstanding warrants. Mom says no bail today, he can just sit. (Real story I called the sheriff. Charged with: open container, driving on a suspended license, 3 outstanding warrants in two jurisdictions.) (Sheriff ask me if I needed bail amount and I told him, no, you picked him up you get to keep him, this ain't no catch and release. He just laughed.)
But in our county I am sure his car is in jail too so there will be tow charge and storage. I don't know what to do with the car. I will probably get it out and hold it for sale if he doesn't pay the charge to me. No sense in me losing the money to a tow company when I could put it in my pocket instead. (to get the car out of tow lot, $100)
Tell me from an addicts perspective what does follow the rules mean. We had that discussion last night when he got home. Addicts have got to be the stupidest f..king people on the face of the Earth.
The one thing he did listen too; I told him to never call me from jail again. He didn't call me. I guess I did reach him at some level!!!
????? Is it too late for an abortion if the fetus is 22 years old? ;-)
Maybe those online medical coding schools will provide the discipline and needed health education he needs.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Nice Dinner
I wanted a relaxing dinner so I rushed home and cooked.
Taking a cue from Syd, he has been making me long for the beach, I boiled some shrimp, roasted corn on the cob and did a light salad and opened a bottle of wine. This is Mom's favorite meal.
To take it further and try to get that laid back beach feeling even though we are almost 1000 miles from the closest beach I set a small table outside under the tree. We ate outside, the breeze was gently blowing and the sun was playing peek-a-boo behind the clouds. But, what really gave it the true beach feeling I used a quart of Pennzoil 10W - 30 motor oil as the table decoration.
Taking a cue from Syd, he has been making me long for the beach, I boiled some shrimp, roasted corn on the cob and did a light salad and opened a bottle of wine. This is Mom's favorite meal.
To take it further and try to get that laid back beach feeling even though we are almost 1000 miles from the closest beach I set a small table outside under the tree. We ate outside, the breeze was gently blowing and the sun was playing peek-a-boo behind the clouds. But, what really gave it the true beach feeling I used a quart of Pennzoil 10W - 30 motor oil as the table decoration.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Relaxed
Our son moved back into our home. He and his girlfriend had to give up their apartment so they both went back to their respective parents.
I can tell you it wasn't something he did with excitement and to be fair we weren't excited either. But sometimes you do what you have to because you have too. Plus, our son had a job but no transportation. For a couple months he has been bumming rides to get to work. When he was really stuck he would call his sister or his mother. That was nearly a 60 mile round trip for us to take him to work and then another 60 miles if he couldn't find a way home. Oh the endless joy of living in the country. But truth is we knew work was a good thing for him so this sacrifice was minor in comparison to what we had been through in the past with him.
Finally, I got to where I didn't like everyone having to drive him around so far so I bought him a $1000 beater car. A small price to get my wife back in the evenings so we can relax together.
Today was the day to get the car licensed. We started the day off with a drug test, he passed. He told me go ahead test anytime. Funny thing, he took a picture of the test results, sent them to his sisters and his girlfriend. Said he hasn't had many that looked like that so he was going to make sure everyone saw it. Took him to get his paycheck, he paid for his insurance and then it was off to get the license plate. He was so proud to have that plate. It was actually something he paid for and was his own to go and physically put on his own car.
He seems to have goals now which is something I haven't seen in him for many years. My fingers are crossed but my eyes are open. I am a firm believer nothing good will ever happen in all of this without having goals. But that is kind of one of my life motto's, without goals life is just something that happens to you not because of you.
I can tell you it wasn't something he did with excitement and to be fair we weren't excited either. But sometimes you do what you have to because you have too. Plus, our son had a job but no transportation. For a couple months he has been bumming rides to get to work. When he was really stuck he would call his sister or his mother. That was nearly a 60 mile round trip for us to take him to work and then another 60 miles if he couldn't find a way home. Oh the endless joy of living in the country. But truth is we knew work was a good thing for him so this sacrifice was minor in comparison to what we had been through in the past with him.
Finally, I got to where I didn't like everyone having to drive him around so far so I bought him a $1000 beater car. A small price to get my wife back in the evenings so we can relax together.
Today was the day to get the car licensed. We started the day off with a drug test, he passed. He told me go ahead test anytime. Funny thing, he took a picture of the test results, sent them to his sisters and his girlfriend. Said he hasn't had many that looked like that so he was going to make sure everyone saw it. Took him to get his paycheck, he paid for his insurance and then it was off to get the license plate. He was so proud to have that plate. It was actually something he paid for and was his own to go and physically put on his own car.
He seems to have goals now which is something I haven't seen in him for many years. My fingers are crossed but my eyes are open. I am a firm believer nothing good will ever happen in all of this without having goals. But that is kind of one of my life motto's, without goals life is just something that happens to you not because of you.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Sad Ending
This morning when I arrived at work a friend informed me that her friend's son had died of a heart attack.
This friend of her's was someone that she had sent to my blog because her son was an addict. She said her friend's son had been clean for 6 months but had sustained damage to his heart from his drug use. Yesterday evening he suffered a fatal heart attack at the age of 25.
I am sorry for this mom. I did not know her personally but as all of you that read these blogs I feel a special kinship to parents with children addicted. To this dear Mom, you are in our thoughts.
This is a harsh reminder of the damage that is done to the addict from this disease.
This friend of her's was someone that she had sent to my blog because her son was an addict. She said her friend's son had been clean for 6 months but had sustained damage to his heart from his drug use. Yesterday evening he suffered a fatal heart attack at the age of 25.
I am sorry for this mom. I did not know her personally but as all of you that read these blogs I feel a special kinship to parents with children addicted. To this dear Mom, you are in our thoughts.
This is a harsh reminder of the damage that is done to the addict from this disease.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
A New Partnership Posting
The Partnership For A Drug Free America has posted another one of my essay's. This is one that you may remember, many of you commented that you really liked.
I really do read the comments and listen to you ALL. Thank you all so much for your wisdom.
I'm Sorry Officer, I Didn't See The Sign
I really do read the comments and listen to you ALL. Thank you all so much for your wisdom.
I'm Sorry Officer, I Didn't See The Sign
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A Thief
update: Just got an e-mail, Helium.com has removed the plagarized post and banned Karter Sperry. Less than 24 hours, very good Helium.
I am so angry. I write on here to try and help others and to help myself. It irritates me when I found that someone has stolen my work and it using it to make money for themselves.
Yesterday I was searching the internet and found an article written by a Karter Sperry on Helium.com. Helium is a site where writers can published their work and get paid for their writing based upon the number of stars they receive. Mr. or Ms. Sperry plagiarized my letter to my son and published it as their own work. The stolen work can be found here: http://m.www.helium.com/items/1810574-addiction-and-recovery .
He copied my work from this blog location here: http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/03/message-to-my-son-or-any-other-addict.html
It is shameful when someone will steal your writings and make money from them. Even with a copyright notice you must be vigilant. You may want to check your writings also. The way I found this is to copy a paragraph of your article and go to plaragrism checker such as: http://www.dustball.com/cs/plagiarism.checker/ enter the copy paragraph and look for links.
I have no problem and it actually warms my heart when fellow bloggers use words from my blog to help others and I haven't found a single blogger that didn't credit "Dad and Mom". But Mr.or Ms. Sperry angers me!
I am so angry. I write on here to try and help others and to help myself. It irritates me when I found that someone has stolen my work and it using it to make money for themselves.
Yesterday I was searching the internet and found an article written by a Karter Sperry on Helium.com. Helium is a site where writers can published their work and get paid for their writing based upon the number of stars they receive. Mr. or Ms. Sperry plagiarized my letter to my son and published it as their own work. The stolen work can be found here: http://m.www.helium.com/items/1810574-addiction-and-recovery .
He copied my work from this blog location here: http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/03/message-to-my-son-or-any-other-addict.html
It is shameful when someone will steal your writings and make money from them. Even with a copyright notice you must be vigilant. You may want to check your writings also. The way I found this is to copy a paragraph of your article and go to plaragrism checker such as: http://www.dustball.com/cs/plagiarism.checker/ enter the copy paragraph and look for links.
I have no problem and it actually warms my heart when fellow bloggers use words from my blog to help others and I haven't found a single blogger that didn't credit "Dad and Mom". But Mr.or Ms. Sperry angers me!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Face Value, Entitlements and Horror
This morning is beautiful. The sun is shining the temperature is 70 and I rode to work without a jacket and there was hardly any traffic. The coffee is god, I'm sorry, that was a typo it should be, good.
I logged on and checked the blogs I follow. Three of them struck a nerve this morning and rather than just comment to them I decided to write about them here, and share the links.
Renee at Mom Trying To Detach With Love spoke about the guilt you feel when you have to tell your child no.
We all face this with our addicts. It is impossible to take our addicts at face value. As much as we want to trust and feel that security and appreciation of helping someone that asks for help we cannot fall into that trap. Exhausting is the only word I can think of that describes the effort it takes to stand firm against the constant barrage of issues facing the parent of an addict. I sometimes long for the day that I will be able to take at face value what may son says to me. Maybe that day may never come. Guilt of saying no is something we lay upon ourselves. I'm getting a lot better at shedding that guilt now that I know where it comes from.
Jan wrote of entitlements, There Is No Hero In Heroin this is a great posting about the mentality of my son and maybe many others. Poor pitiful me is how it all starts. No accountability for their own actions, just a plea of, "will you please..........?"
We want so bad just to give them that one little thing. With that hope of giving one more little item of comfort will show them the light. It doesn't work that way and I am so glad this mother sees that. It took me a long time to see that I could not bargain away my son's addiction.
Today gifts are given with no expectation of appreciation or change. My lesson has been learned that if you give your addict a gift it has to be because you are a giving person, there can be no expectation attached because that only sets you up for heartache.
CC at Mother Of A Beautiful Addict Boy has only written two posts. She a mother just now entering this horror as the parent of an addict.
It seems like only yesterday her feelings were gnawing in our gut. This is a horror I do not think any of us parents can forget. It is so ingrained in me I only hope that when I die my last thought is not of this horror. It does get better but it is always just below the surface.
There is a horror in discovering your son is an addict. But there is a time it will be better for you, even if your son continues to use. The horror of that discovery never goes away but the pain becomes manageable and then finally you find that you can go on living even with this horror of having an addicted child. There will be times you sink into that horrible place by something or someone that reminds you of that time. But that feeling will go away too. You learn eventually that the feeling of horror is yours to control.
Thank you to those mothers that wrote their inspiring posts today.
I logged on and checked the blogs I follow. Three of them struck a nerve this morning and rather than just comment to them I decided to write about them here, and share the links.
Renee at Mom Trying To Detach With Love spoke about the guilt you feel when you have to tell your child no.
We all face this with our addicts. It is impossible to take our addicts at face value. As much as we want to trust and feel that security and appreciation of helping someone that asks for help we cannot fall into that trap. Exhausting is the only word I can think of that describes the effort it takes to stand firm against the constant barrage of issues facing the parent of an addict. I sometimes long for the day that I will be able to take at face value what may son says to me. Maybe that day may never come. Guilt of saying no is something we lay upon ourselves. I'm getting a lot better at shedding that guilt now that I know where it comes from.
Jan wrote of entitlements, There Is No Hero In Heroin this is a great posting about the mentality of my son and maybe many others. Poor pitiful me is how it all starts. No accountability for their own actions, just a plea of, "will you please..........?"
We want so bad just to give them that one little thing. With that hope of giving one more little item of comfort will show them the light. It doesn't work that way and I am so glad this mother sees that. It took me a long time to see that I could not bargain away my son's addiction.
Today gifts are given with no expectation of appreciation or change. My lesson has been learned that if you give your addict a gift it has to be because you are a giving person, there can be no expectation attached because that only sets you up for heartache.
CC at Mother Of A Beautiful Addict Boy has only written two posts. She a mother just now entering this horror as the parent of an addict.
It seems like only yesterday her feelings were gnawing in our gut. This is a horror I do not think any of us parents can forget. It is so ingrained in me I only hope that when I die my last thought is not of this horror. It does get better but it is always just below the surface.
There is a horror in discovering your son is an addict. But there is a time it will be better for you, even if your son continues to use. The horror of that discovery never goes away but the pain becomes manageable and then finally you find that you can go on living even with this horror of having an addicted child. There will be times you sink into that horrible place by something or someone that reminds you of that time. But that feeling will go away too. You learn eventually that the feeling of horror is yours to control.
Thank you to those mothers that wrote their inspiring posts today.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Fathers Recovery
It has been over a week since I posted anything but I read others blogs everyday and comment on some.
It is harder to write about about my son's addiction/recovery when I am not directly involved in his life with him living under our roof. It is easier for me to cruise along fat dumb and happy when I am not exposed to his daily drama, no matter if he is using or working on his recovery. So right now I am basking in my fat, dumb and happy life.
As I progress through this, what do you really call being the parent of an addict? I change how I act and react. My current stage and thought processes are that I wasn't involved in the beginning of his using. In fact he kept it very secret from all of us. At this time if he serious about recovery than it is perfectly OK for him to go through this part of addiction without me too. He seems to have found a girl he cares for and if she enough of an influence to make him want to stay clean than I am happy for him and her. So the reality is there is not much to report on my son's status, I just don't know anything for sure.
One thing for sure though I do know our little granddaughter is a joy for us. She is quite different than that little profile picture on my blog. She gets her way around grandma and grandpa, much to mom and dad's chagrin.
ps.: Another mom dealing with heartache: http://heartspeak-urmyheart.blogspot.com/
It is harder to write about about my son's addiction/recovery when I am not directly involved in his life with him living under our roof. It is easier for me to cruise along fat dumb and happy when I am not exposed to his daily drama, no matter if he is using or working on his recovery. So right now I am basking in my fat, dumb and happy life.
As I progress through this, what do you really call being the parent of an addict? I change how I act and react. My current stage and thought processes are that I wasn't involved in the beginning of his using. In fact he kept it very secret from all of us. At this time if he serious about recovery than it is perfectly OK for him to go through this part of addiction without me too. He seems to have found a girl he cares for and if she enough of an influence to make him want to stay clean than I am happy for him and her. So the reality is there is not much to report on my son's status, I just don't know anything for sure.
One thing for sure though I do know our little granddaughter is a joy for us. She is quite different than that little profile picture on my blog. She gets her way around grandma and grandpa, much to mom and dad's chagrin.
ps.: Another mom dealing with heartache: http://heartspeak-urmyheart.blogspot.com/
Monday, May 17, 2010
Interesting Distraction, Another Blog
Last year Mom was in a situation at work where she was on a list of people to possibly go to Thailand to train people for her company. After a lot of stress and worry by Mom about having to go to Thailand for 4 months she wound up not having to go. They ended up bringing 2 of them to the U.S. to train.
However, one of her programmer friends did have to go and train the Thai people in Bangkok. When he left he began a blog about his experience. Now with the riots in Bangkok between the government forces and the Red Shirts it is pretty interesting because the place he is staying is only 2 kilometers from the fighting.
If you want to read about his adventures here is a link: Travels In Thailand
However, one of her programmer friends did have to go and train the Thai people in Bangkok. When he left he began a blog about his experience. Now with the riots in Bangkok between the government forces and the Red Shirts it is pretty interesting because the place he is staying is only 2 kilometers from the fighting.
If you want to read about his adventures here is a link: Travels In Thailand
Friday, May 14, 2010
The Anger of Addiction
I haven't spoke to may son since his last relapse. His mother has talked to him a couple times about mail and court summons he receives here at our house.
It's easy to be angry with someone that is addicted. Everyone knows they give you plenty of reasons. Probably easier for parents more than anyone else because it is easier to drop someone that isn't your child and move on. Most of the time we just hold the anger slightly below the surface and the unconditional love makes it all OK.
Funny how at times I still refer to my 22 year old son as our child. Maybe that has some psychological meaning to to some doctor but to me it is just how I see him.
I have finally gotten to that point his problem is his but dealing with a loved ones addiction is like an octopus, any one of multiple arms can reach out and grasp you and try pulling you into their world at any time.
Addiction is a brain disease. It changes people, I can see it not only in my son but in others suffering from addiction and alcoholism. Who is that person? What happens to the entity that lived in that body before the drugs began to destroy their being? I do not see people coming out the other side the way they were before they ventured into that dark tunnel. The sorry thing is one person takes the lead into the tunnel and all of us family members follow that person unknowingly to be changed forever also.
The anger in which I speak is not at the addicted. They have a disease. All that can happen now is for them to work their issues and try to remain clean. My anger goes back to why do it the first time. It's not like nobody has never heard the phrase Just Say No.
How do you reach the kid that has all the opportunities in the world to use drugs and alcohol and enable them to pass on that thrill? I don't try to fool myself, I've never tried this crap before but it must be awful good. But I still say no. What is it inside of us that have the ability to say no and how do we articulate that message to the people in need? This is not a rhetorical question. I have spent countless hours trying to unlock that puzzle. I'd really like to hear any thoughts from others as to the mystery of this answer.
I know most all of us writing and reading blogs concerning addiction are overwhelmed with the results of that first time and the life of addiction that follows. Can the cycle be interrupted or are some people just predestined?
(sorry, if you read our blog you cannot escape my daily deliberations and philosophies concerning this life. if you have read this far you just been had)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Right Question
I am still pondering the posting and all of the comments from when I wrote, "Do You Ever Blame Yourself?" After seeing what another blogger wrote on her blog and making a comment there I want to write more on the subject of blaming yourself.
This is a trap easily fell into by parents, or let me just say it is an easy trap for me at times. The shoulda's, woulda's and coulda's get replayed like highlights on SportsCenter. This can drive you crazy at times.
When playing the woulda, coulda and shoulda game it is easy because most of the time it goes something like this. I shoulda done this instead, he woulda done that and everything coulda been OK. So, what is the flaw in that thinking? It counts on someone else doing a specific thing in a response to my action. So much of that thinking depends on someone else in which you really have no control. No wonder it is easy to play that game, the real fault of action gets to fall on someone else.
Instead of woulda, coulda, and shoulda what is the right question?
What have I learned?
That question makes it so much harder because all of a sudden it is on me completely. I am responsible for my own actions only and I am responsible for my own learning.
Mistakes of intention will happen for all of us. But as we learn the honest lessons from our actions we will become better parents and healthier inside. To learn the lesson I must remember to not to play woulda, coulda, shoulda games and always ask myself the right question.
This is a trap easily fell into by parents, or let me just say it is an easy trap for me at times. The shoulda's, woulda's and coulda's get replayed like highlights on SportsCenter. This can drive you crazy at times.
When playing the woulda, coulda and shoulda game it is easy because most of the time it goes something like this. I shoulda done this instead, he woulda done that and everything coulda been OK. So, what is the flaw in that thinking? It counts on someone else doing a specific thing in a response to my action. So much of that thinking depends on someone else in which you really have no control. No wonder it is easy to play that game, the real fault of action gets to fall on someone else.
Instead of woulda, coulda, and shoulda what is the right question?
What have I learned?
That question makes it so much harder because all of a sudden it is on me completely. I am responsible for my own actions only and I am responsible for my own learning.
Mistakes of intention will happen for all of us. But as we learn the honest lessons from our actions we will become better parents and healthier inside. To learn the lesson I must remember to not to play woulda, coulda, shoulda games and always ask myself the right question.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
Everyone going around today wishing mothers a Happy Mother's Day. I'll join the group just to be conventional. Happy Mother's Day to all mothers and especially those struggling mothers with addicted children.
However, I don't do "Hallmark" holidays. And that is a pretty dangerous statement when you live in Kansas City, home of and corporate location of Hallmark Cards. I Hope Don Hall Jr. isn't reading this blog, he's a pretty big deal in KC. Plus Mom actually worked for Hallmark for 6 months when we got married.
My alternative, instead of making a big deal over your mother today and sending cards, flowers and everything else. I try doing those things on 364 other days of the year.
Honor mothers 365 days of the year.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Reading Comments and Self Reflection
It seems like I sure opened a hornet’s nest with my last posting. I usually don’t get 26 comments to a posting but I am glad there was such good discussion and I hope everyone had a chance to go back and read all the comments.
I read everyone’s comments multiple times and see others having the same experience over and over and others that have moved past emotional attachment to their addicts. The question that begs an answer is;”What is right and what is wrong?” I don’t believe there is a hard fast rule in every situation. The variables are enormous in each family as to what is expected and how a person, the addict and the loved one can recover from a mistake of intentions.
I have also done some research on defining co-dependency. Those that know me personally would probably agree unanimously Dad does not in any way have a co-dependent personality. One of the best sites I found about defining and analyzing co-dependency is: http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency . Most that know me intimately would side that Dad has more of an “independency” problem.
Can the actions of another person or loved anger me? Yes, but in 30 minutes I’m back to having lunch with them. Why would I do that? Is it because I need them? No it is because I respect them and love them. I had an experience as a child that I learned a lesson from that has carried into being an adult. When I was in junior high my best friend and I had a fight, we didn’t speak for 3 years. What was it about, who knows, who cares. All I know for sure was that nothing was ever the same between us again. What I learned was anger and grudges hurt only the person experiencing the emotion. Can I be angry at my son for what he did and still be over it just as quick? Yep, in a heartbeat and it’s the same with hurt feelings, and disappointments.
For me the magic formula doesn’t involve 12 step meetings or some higher power. My personality is such that independence and self reflection is my go to place. That’s a hard lesson to learn in dealing with an addicted child. I don’t advocate my methodology or that answer for any one individual because I am a strong believer in the “whatever works for you” method of recovery for both the addict and the loved ones of addicts.
My belief in surviving this experience is to work very hard in learning from the daily experience of parenting an addict. A wise man once told me he had a goal in life to make only new mistakes. It has been 25 years since that discussion. At first, as a 30 year old guy trying to grab the world by the tail I didn’t think much about that way of thinking. My thinking was to make no mistakes. Make no mistakes??? Yea, you know how long that lasted. Then the wisdom of that goal sunk in and I made it a personal long term goal; the day I die I hope to be still working to achieve that goal.
So I will make more mistakes, undoubtedly. Plus I will continue to write about them. This is for my benefit and maybe others will learn from the experience too. That is not being arrogant. My experience is that I learn from others too, I don’t have to make the mistake to learn a new lesson.
I read everyone’s comments multiple times and see others having the same experience over and over and others that have moved past emotional attachment to their addicts. The question that begs an answer is;”What is right and what is wrong?” I don’t believe there is a hard fast rule in every situation. The variables are enormous in each family as to what is expected and how a person, the addict and the loved one can recover from a mistake of intentions.
I have also done some research on defining co-dependency. Those that know me personally would probably agree unanimously Dad does not in any way have a co-dependent personality. One of the best sites I found about defining and analyzing co-dependency is: http://www.nmha.org/go/codependency . Most that know me intimately would side that Dad has more of an “independency” problem.
Can the actions of another person or loved anger me? Yes, but in 30 minutes I’m back to having lunch with them. Why would I do that? Is it because I need them? No it is because I respect them and love them. I had an experience as a child that I learned a lesson from that has carried into being an adult. When I was in junior high my best friend and I had a fight, we didn’t speak for 3 years. What was it about, who knows, who cares. All I know for sure was that nothing was ever the same between us again. What I learned was anger and grudges hurt only the person experiencing the emotion. Can I be angry at my son for what he did and still be over it just as quick? Yep, in a heartbeat and it’s the same with hurt feelings, and disappointments.
For me the magic formula doesn’t involve 12 step meetings or some higher power. My personality is such that independence and self reflection is my go to place. That’s a hard lesson to learn in dealing with an addicted child. I don’t advocate my methodology or that answer for any one individual because I am a strong believer in the “whatever works for you” method of recovery for both the addict and the loved ones of addicts.
My belief in surviving this experience is to work very hard in learning from the daily experience of parenting an addict. A wise man once told me he had a goal in life to make only new mistakes. It has been 25 years since that discussion. At first, as a 30 year old guy trying to grab the world by the tail I didn’t think much about that way of thinking. My thinking was to make no mistakes. Make no mistakes??? Yea, you know how long that lasted. Then the wisdom of that goal sunk in and I made it a personal long term goal; the day I die I hope to be still working to achieve that goal.
So I will make more mistakes, undoubtedly. Plus I will continue to write about them. This is for my benefit and maybe others will learn from the experience too. That is not being arrogant. My experience is that I learn from others too, I don’t have to make the mistake to learn a new lesson.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Do You Ever Blame Yourself?
Do you ever blame yourself for what you son is doing?
That was a question a student ask during on of my presentations on Friday. My answer, "Every single day." As a parent I have that thought in my mind constantly. Rationally I know his adiction belongs to him and I didn't cause it but never the less at times I take ownership in the actions of all my kids, not just the addicted one.
How do we keep from making mistakes of the heart? Doing an honorable thing and having the result become a dishonorable event seems to be something that happens with parents of an addict.
Last week my son began his new job. He has been living with his girlfriend her two daughters and a friend he grew up with that lived across the street. At one point none of them had work, girlfriend and friend had been laid off and son hadn't found a job yet. Last week my son started working, the neighbor boy from across the street got called back to work and this week the girlfriend got called back to work. The bad part about it was that rent was due and girlfriend's parents had helped them last month so our son called and ask if I would loan him money for rent. They were all working but none had gotten a paycheck yet so I felt good about loaning him money.
We had already been sending down some care packages of food and stuff, this is nothing different than we had done for each of our girls when they were that age. So on Wednesday last week he came up to ask for a loan. He had been doing well, staying clean and excited about his new job. We were happy for him even if it had only been less than a month since the last time he relapsed. I gave him the money. Plus I added some extra and told him this was for groceries. His friend was with him. I specifically said, "This extra money is for groceries, no cigarettes, tobacco, alcohol or drugs!" They were both very appreciative and left happy.
I don't know what happened after they left but the next evening I heard that he used. The rent money was now $30 and no groceries. Girlfriend took him to our oldest daughter's and she refused to take him and I think they knew not to come to our house.
I am still so angry I can hardly see straight. Angry at him but angry at myself too. I fell into that trap again. It's not like I don't know better! Can someone volunteer to kick me in the ass my leg is getting sore from kicking myself.
Do you ever blame yourself?
How much do we really own? I do own a small piece of last week. I know better. I gave an addict a handfull of twenty's. It's time to learn from the experience and move on.
That was a question a student ask during on of my presentations on Friday. My answer, "Every single day." As a parent I have that thought in my mind constantly. Rationally I know his adiction belongs to him and I didn't cause it but never the less at times I take ownership in the actions of all my kids, not just the addicted one.
How do we keep from making mistakes of the heart? Doing an honorable thing and having the result become a dishonorable event seems to be something that happens with parents of an addict.
Last week my son began his new job. He has been living with his girlfriend her two daughters and a friend he grew up with that lived across the street. At one point none of them had work, girlfriend and friend had been laid off and son hadn't found a job yet. Last week my son started working, the neighbor boy from across the street got called back to work and this week the girlfriend got called back to work. The bad part about it was that rent was due and girlfriend's parents had helped them last month so our son called and ask if I would loan him money for rent. They were all working but none had gotten a paycheck yet so I felt good about loaning him money.
We had already been sending down some care packages of food and stuff, this is nothing different than we had done for each of our girls when they were that age. So on Wednesday last week he came up to ask for a loan. He had been doing well, staying clean and excited about his new job. We were happy for him even if it had only been less than a month since the last time he relapsed. I gave him the money. Plus I added some extra and told him this was for groceries. His friend was with him. I specifically said, "This extra money is for groceries, no cigarettes, tobacco, alcohol or drugs!" They were both very appreciative and left happy.
I don't know what happened after they left but the next evening I heard that he used. The rent money was now $30 and no groceries. Girlfriend took him to our oldest daughter's and she refused to take him and I think they knew not to come to our house.
I am still so angry I can hardly see straight. Angry at him but angry at myself too. I fell into that trap again. It's not like I don't know better! Can someone volunteer to kick me in the ass my leg is getting sore from kicking myself.
Do you ever blame yourself?
How much do we really own? I do own a small piece of last week. I know better. I gave an addict a handfull of twenty's. It's time to learn from the experience and move on.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Employed
My son is now among the employed. He started a full time job on Monday and he stopped by for a couple minutes last night to pick up some things. He seemed happy and proud to be working again. Says he gets paid next Thursday and owes rent money. That is a good thing.
Baby Steps
ps.: I am presenting again at a local high school tomorrow, wish me luck.
Baby Steps
ps.: I am presenting again at a local high school tomorrow, wish me luck.
OOPS: It's 7pm now and I wrote the above stuff at 7am this morning. Spoke to soon, just found out, he's back on the needle.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Re-connect
How do you make those connections to someone you never knew?
I see my son working on his sobriety today like I haven't see in the past. I think he is actually doing it for himself this time. In the past I look back and I see how we coerced him into recovery and it ended badly each time.
The efforts he puts forth this time will benefit him. I am not holding them up as benchmarks for myself or his success. It is his program and I refuse to own his work this time. This is a change from the past.
My current struggles are in recognizing that my son is a different person then when he began his addiction. But I must also recognize that I am a different person. The elephant in the room for me is the past. I see that letting go of our pain is something that is essential to success for both of us in this new way forward. I cannot continue to hold on to past failures, disappointments and hurt like a security blanket that reminds me to protect myself.
There is no doubt that the future will hold its own failures, disappointments and hurt. If I insist on building a wall from the onset to protect myself from those things it will not help me or him.
I am taking uneasy steps. I don't know how to interact with my son as an adult. For so many years my interaction has been with a addicted child and for most of that time my mindset was that he was my kid that needed to be straightened out. That really isn't very clear when I read it but I think most of the parents of an addict reading this will know what I mean.
I must learn to deal with a new person. This person is an adult, he is an addict in recovery, he is 22 years old and there is a lot of baggage with each of us. I can only control how I approach this new relationship but this time I have to accept how he wants to handle this relationship.
Hello, my name is Dad, it is good to meet you.
I see my son working on his sobriety today like I haven't see in the past. I think he is actually doing it for himself this time. In the past I look back and I see how we coerced him into recovery and it ended badly each time.
The efforts he puts forth this time will benefit him. I am not holding them up as benchmarks for myself or his success. It is his program and I refuse to own his work this time. This is a change from the past.
My current struggles are in recognizing that my son is a different person then when he began his addiction. But I must also recognize that I am a different person. The elephant in the room for me is the past. I see that letting go of our pain is something that is essential to success for both of us in this new way forward. I cannot continue to hold on to past failures, disappointments and hurt like a security blanket that reminds me to protect myself.
There is no doubt that the future will hold its own failures, disappointments and hurt. If I insist on building a wall from the onset to protect myself from those things it will not help me or him.
I am taking uneasy steps. I don't know how to interact with my son as an adult. For so many years my interaction has been with a addicted child and for most of that time my mindset was that he was my kid that needed to be straightened out. That really isn't very clear when I read it but I think most of the parents of an addict reading this will know what I mean.
I must learn to deal with a new person. This person is an adult, he is an addict in recovery, he is 22 years old and there is a lot of baggage with each of us. I can only control how I approach this new relationship but this time I have to accept how he wants to handle this relationship.
Hello, my name is Dad, it is good to meet you.
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