Survivors Guilt

I was reading Barbara's blog and her feelings of guilt about how things are going well for her and K right now and it is hard to write about the good when so many parents are experiencing such hard times. I can understand those feelings completely. It's like survivors guilt.

The reality is we know how quickly the circumstances can change. We still lay our head down at night and know what thankfulness and fear feels like when both feelings are in our heart at the same time. We know the pain of sleeplessness and phone calls. Those feelings will last for a long time.

My son is doing it, today. He is clean, he is a joy to talk too and I can begin to see a tiny sparkle in his eyes again. (the pupils are open enough to reflect light, lol) If you ask him how he is doing it all he says is he is "sticking it". What does that mean I don't know and he said it is hard for him say it too. I am not trying to push the envelope but I ask him to think about what is happening and write it in his blog. Mom then begged him to begin writing again. She made a plea for all the other mom's out there, she said Alex please all of those other mom's want to hear what is in your mind, what you know and just what does there child really feels, knows and wants. Who knows maybe he will write, I hope but it's up to him.

I think back to when our son was completely wrapped in his lifestyle. We were scared, we felt hopeless. One thing that kept our hope alive was reading the successes of other adicts and children, even if they were short lived. I've said it over and over, WHERE THERE IS LIFE THERE IS HOPE.

Hold on Dad's and Mom's, all of you out there, the world changes every day and who knows what day is scheduled for your world to change.

Another Partnership Posting

The Partnership For A Drug Free America has published another of my essay's. If you are a regular reader of my blog it will be very familiar, it is about "hitting bottom." They were interested in that and now have it on their site.

If you want to read it or comment it can be found at:

http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/02/hitting-bottom-my-drug-and-alcohol-addiction-vocabulary-is-ever-changing/

ABC News with Diane Sawyer

For those that may be interested. As I mentioned before they had contacted us about being interviewed concerning addiction in families. We declined because Alex and mom did not feel comfortable. Here is an e-mail I just received from Karen Franklin, author and contributor to The Partnership.

Previews of the segment are already on the ABC News website. http://abcnews.go.com/

Hi Ron and Darlene,

Hope all is well with both of you. I am hoping that our publicist did indeed mail a copy of our book out to you. Sorry I did not follow up sooner. I saw on your blog that you were contacted by ABC and will let others know when ABC will be airing segments on families and addiction. My daughter and I were contacted also in January and we taped the next day, but due to the Haiti crisis, it was all put on the shelf for awhile. We have heard that the segments will air this week starting tonight. I don't know if we made the cut or not but we will see. Just thought I would let you know so you can pass the word on through your blog.

Thanks again for the blog and your service to others.

Regards,

Karen Franklin

Another Heartbroken Family

Here is a link to another heartbroken family. Kelli wrote her first post on Saturday.

http://heartsbrokenmomdrugaddict.blogspot.com/2010/02/what-happened.html

They need your help and wisdom.

It's All Dad and Mom's Fault

I have a lot of thoughts about some things I have been ask, and some of the things I have read. They are are kind of related and maybe they warrant there own posts but I am going to lump it all together but have decided to set it up like a 3 chapter book. No need to flip to the last page first because we all know the end of the story from our own guilty feelings, "It's All Dad and Mom's Fault."

Chapter 1 --- I'm Sorry Officer, I Didn't See The Sign

Chapter 2 --- Good Advice Is Good Advice

Chapter 3 --- Bitter Realism

Chapter 1 --- I'm Sorry Officer, I Didn't See The Sign

We were having a conversation with friends and the conversation turned to that question. What would you have done different? That question we all ponder endlessly. The same question that stabs us in the heart. The question that causes untold hours of missed sleep. The question we would gladly speak for hours to answer, if only it helps someone else.

What would you have done different? This time we changed the question. Give me a break politicians do it all the time. What signs should we look for and which ones did we miss? Maybe there should be parenting cops to "light us up" when we blow right through signs as if they aren't there.

Teenage alcohol use is not a right of passage, we all did it too, cannot justify us failing to exercise our parental responsibility. Seriousness with our kids and grounding them and then laughing about it latter is just not wise. .......Guilty Officer.

Kids are going to try pot. It's just a little weed no big deal. I'm sure there are addicts out there that didn't start with weed but I have never met them. We have heard the term, gateway drug. Weed is a drug. Not every kid that tries weed will become a heroin addict, can you tell me which ones will and which ones won't? .......Guilty Officer.

The cops, teachers, judges, security are being assholes. Don't worry baby, it wasn't that bad. We'll help get you out of it. All we have to do is pay extra and the trouble goes away. .......Guilty Officer.

Why did that intake person at the drug rehab facility ask if there were any addiction/alcohol problems within the family? Why is that relevant, it's really none of their business we are here with our child not to talk about relatives problems. .......Guilty Officer.

My kid wouldn't do that or go that far he's just having fun. You know, boys will be boys. Basically he's a good kid and he knows his limits and we taught him better than that. No sir, I am not in denial. .......Guilty Officer

I really don't like the way you dress, talk, music you have changed too, your friends, your manners, your disrespect, your grades, your tattoos, your piercings. Any one thing may not be indicative of an "addict to be" but behavior changes do mean something. .......Guilty Officer.

Everybody has role models and mentors. I do, you do, and your child does. What is the modeled behavior your child is seeing. Do you even know? .......Guilty Officer.

Being a parent to a teen and being a friend to a teen is two very different roles. Do not confuse your role. .......Guilty Officer.

Every one of those charges could be explored endlessly and debated for hours. I am not calling an attorney, I'm not really up for the debate, or the hourly charges. I just know my list is not complete, but it is my list. Feel free to add to it as you see fit.

Chapter 2 --- Good Advice is Good Advice

I don't know if it is a cultural thing, a time issue, or an unrealistic expectation. Seems to me we have confused "advice" with "instructions". Advice does not guarantee outcomes. Advice is the learning's of one person or a group of people given to others in a well intentioned manner. Instructions are a list of directions that if followed step by step are meant to guarantee an outcome.

Dealing with teens and children concerning drugs and drug abuse there are volumes of advice. Just look at all of these blogs and comments. Thousands of words and hours of time devoted to offering advice in hopes the outcomes are what we expect. However, when dealing with human beings are outcomes ever exactly as we expect? And sometimes, aren't the outcomes much better than we could even imagine let alone expect?

We did the things people said to do concerning our son about drugs. We had family dinners, my kids still hate my opening standard question, "What was the best thing that happened at school today?" But I bet they ask the same question to their kids one day too. We talked about drugs and our family values. Mom took them to church and Sunday school. We always tried to make every kid feel special.

The outcome of following all of that advice, we have 3 great kids. One of them has the disease of addiction. NEWS FLASH.........not a single one of the three is perfect and exactly as dad and mom pictured.

If you want instructions come here and we will go down to my shop and I will tell you how to build something and oversee your work and you WILL be happy with the outcome. Just like I'm sure Debby could take me into her kitchen and give me the instructions and oversight to create a delicious dinner. Advice and instructions are as different as night and day. However, just like night and day we all need both.

Chapter 3 --- Bitter Realism

The Don Quixote in me will not allow me to stop and not dream "The Impossible Dream". That is what we do each day. Does that mean I have to give up on reality to fight these demons? No it means I MUST stay grounded in reality if I wish to even have a chance in my fight.

Who am I fighting? I'm fighting anyone that says it can't be done. I'm fighting anything and anyone that says it is hopeless. I am fighting the past and the statistics. I am fighting all of the failures in the past by my son and the millions who have failed before him.

Sometimes winning a battle is almost as meaningful as winning the war. I have a rechargeable battery. Just a spark gives me a full charge. Only one minute of my son when I see him not under the influence means there is a flicker of hope that maybe someday can be fanned into a raging inferno.

I have an analogy to this whole life and what we are going through as a parent of an addict. Life could be compared to a game of poker. We are dealt a hand. We have already said we are "all in." The cards are crappy. I have choices, I can fold, I can blame the dealer, I can be angry with the cards, I can be mad at myself for betting everything. But the reality is, I'm in the game, either get out of the game or play the hand. I'm staying in the game so give me another card (day) I'm into it for all I've got.

"The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA (1972) music by Mitch Leigh and lyrics by Joe Darion "The Impossible Dream" (a .MP3 file courtesy MGM).

To dream the impossible dream To fight the unbeatable foe To bear with unbearable sorrow To run where the brave dare not go To right the unrightable wrong To love pure and chaste from afar To try when your arms are too weary To reach the unreachable star This is my quest To follow that star No matter how hopeless No matter how far To fight for the right Without question or pause To be willing to march into Hell For a heavenly cause And I know if I'll only be true To this glorious quest That my heart will lie peaceful and calm When I'm laid to my rest And the world will be better for this That one man, scorned and covered with scars Still strove with his last ounce of courage To reach the unreachable star

Tempering Expectations

Can parents really ever reduce their expectations for their children? As I see my son trying work his sobriety I realize it is a day to day struggle for him. Sometimes I see comments on his facebook about how he feels that hurts me to the core. I think the comments are probably not any different than any other young adult feels and probably makes. In fact I can remember some of the same feelings when I was younger. There is a huge difference in the confidence level of a young man and a "seasoned veteran". ;-) The troubling aspect is not knowing how much of this can be attributed to the drugs and how much to just normal life experiences. The more important question is can he realize that these feelings afflict people without addiction issues too.

I know a big frustration for him and all of us is the job situation. The job outlook in the KC area is no different than anywhere else in the country, terrible. Realistically speaking I know every single day people get new jobs, there is someone hiring someplace. But is it a job you're qualified for? Is it a job that is realistic for your experience and knowledge? And finally do you have the wherewithal to actually get to and do the job? Add the extra weight of an employment gap of 3 years, a felony conviction for theft and a lack of a drivers license and transportation; what are realistic expectations? In all of my son's flaws being a hard worker and quick study is not one of his flaws. But that doesn't count until you get your foot in the door.

These are the immediate concerns. The important concerns are so much larger. I know this is outside the realm of dealing with a recovering addict but we still cannot let the urgent overshadow the important. We all could probably debate for pages on the actual meanings of important and urgent as it relates to an addict, and thinking through this post that would probably be a good idea. But for now the context of urgent and important is how it relates to dad's view of the world.

I've been unemployed before. What I would consider long term, 8 months. It is hard on your mental well being. Work and contribution is important to the human psyche. Do our leaders understand the impact this economy and their petty bickering is having on our our nations mental health? Dems and Repubs, pretend you are actually leaders and get your heads out of the snow in DC and grow up. Sorry, that's another post on another blog.

Patience with himself is not one of my son's virtues. It is difficult discussing patience and the economy with my son about jobs and independence and the need to keep his eye on the prize. All the while I know the real help for him in his recovery is a job.

Back to the title of this posting, tempering expectations. Is it possible for me to really change what I see in my son. Over twenty years of watching him grow, rocket through anything in school and seeing potential in him I could only dream of in myself. How do you let that go, or do you let it go or are you forced to let it go? For myself, I am not letting it go, it just has to stay inside for a bit longer. I just have to remember there are new dawns every day.

The down side, for every day there is a dawn, that bastard of addiction and those SOB's promoting it are prowling and destroying others. I'm taking another step front and center to fight the bastard. The second week of March I will be speaking to students and I hope parents will come too, at our local high school about the effect of addiction on a family.

Another Hurting Mother

Please visit this blog, another hurting family that has just began writing. A mother is writing about her 20 year addict and life with the family with younger kids in the household too.

http://madyson007.wordpress.com/

Another blog that I have fun reading is one I found quite by accident several months ago. He is a retired newspaper writer/editor and is now a free lance writer. Each morning he writes a short column some political, some random, some sports, pretty much whatever he feels like that morning. It's a change from all the addiction blogs I have on my reading list. I enjoy his writings hope you do too.

http://lifeitself-dave.blogspot.com/

What's Happening

Mom and I are resting. It has been exhausting and with everything else piled on this last week, we have been couch potatoes.

At Mom's job this week they laid off over 700 people. She has been sweating bullets and been a nervous wreck. But she made it through. She's a dedicated and hard worker but sometimes in this economy that isn't always enough. From what she said it has been quite traumatic at her office. This is a company that has not done this before.

Our son, as far as we know is staying clean. He is mainly staying with an old neighbor and school friend at his place. When he is at home he seems to be straight. He knows the consequences of not flying straight. He was very upset that his friend Josh relapsed. He actually took on some it because he felt if he hadn't been in Mexico he would have been able to talk to him and maybe keep it from happening. We told him ultimately he is responsible for ONLY himself and his recovery. He still doesn't have a job and some of the courts are asking him for money on outstanding fines. We spoke about his ultimate responsibility and that ignoring that responsibility will not cause it to go away.

I am learning to let go of his behavior and his recovery. I use to think if he wasn't working a program he wasn't in recovery but the truth is what I think only really matters to me. I am beginning to believe there is more than one way/my way out of this morass. He has his program and the way he describes it is; "I'm done with that stuff and I'm not going there any more." Hey, whatever works is fine with me. He is a headstrong person and if he sets his mind to it what's to say he can't make it work that way. Guess he's more like dad then either one of us want to admit.

Reception Photos

For those that may be interested here is a link to the reception photos of our daughter's wedding. Accolades and thanks go to Mom, and her friends for all of the decorations. They did a wonderful job.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/15120866@N05/sets/72157623217695111/

It has been a very hectic 4th quarter 2009 and 2010. Since Fall Festival 2009 it seems as if we have been going non-stop. everything just led right into the holidays and then into the wedding. We are ready for a rest.

Wedding Photos

For those that may be interested here is a link to the wedding photos of our daughter in Mexico.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/15120866@N05/sets/72157623327239854/

Hitting Bottom???

While on vacation I had time to relax on the beach and deliberate about our family situation. There was no great epiphany however; upon reflection one thing bothered me concerning the language of addiction.

For many years through this journey people have counseled us that nothing will actually change until your addict hits bottom. It was always said with sympathy and understanding in a way that I am sure was well intentioned. However, as a parent trying to deal with an addicted child just the thought of hitting bottom was frightening. What is bottom? How do you recognize bottom when you see it? How long will it take and what damage is my son likely to experience on his way to bottom. The answers from people experienced in addiction were always vague and indeterminate. Bottom is different for every person “they” would say. All the while we kept looking for that elusive bottom and with each terrible experience we assumed, surely we are there. Losing a vehicle, losing your license, losing your home, jail, nearly losing your life and prison; what exactly is bottom?

I have been told by addicts and loved ones of addicts that bottom is different for different people. For some it may be losing your family, losing your home or a religious experience. Others it may be incarceration and I read where for some the thought of losing the respect of ones they love was a bottom. The one thing I found out for sure there is no determining what bottom is for another person. That is what is so frightening for a parent about this whole bottom concept. Is death considered bottom?

With all of these possible definitions of bottom and none of them actually defining the experience I would like to throw in my thoughts on what the experience means to me and maybe a more accurate vocabulary for this process of experiencing, bottom.

I propose a different term for this event or series of events that causes an addict to wake up to the fact that addiction cannot be a part of their life, this moment in time or life is when a person has a “profound experience”. A “profound experience” is something that anyone in any situation can experience. Large or small this event or series of events has the impact to change a life. Following a "profound experience” a person is able to gain “profound knowledge” concerning their life and the impact this experience has on their future. With this knowledge a person or addict is able to put in place the things necessary to change their life.

To me a profound experience more accurately describes what an addict must experience before it is possible for them to begin a change process. For me my vocabulary concerning addiction is changing.

Another Partnership Posting

For those that are interested The Partnership For A Drug Free America has posted another article I have written.

http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/01/the-key-to-dealing-with-my-son%e2%80%99s-drug-addiction-setting-boundaries-for-myself/

This one is about setting boundaries for yourself and the differences between boundaries and rules.

Home Sweet Home, but cold!

We got home on Monday to a very cold and windy Kansas. It was a damp cold with a strong wind that cut right through you. The weather forecast for later this week is single digits.

Why is this all relevant? If you were interested you'd just go to weather.com and get all you need for anywhere. It matters to us because we just got back from 85 degrees in Puerto Morales, Mexico, just south of Cancun. 7 beautiful days with sun, sand, beach, pool and service fit for a king. But we do not just stay on the resort, we also love going to the local towns and eating and shopping with the local merchants. A trip to Puerto Morales and Playa De Carmen were great adventures and I will tell you the best local food must be eaten at local restaurants. It is so different to eat the local mexican fare from that area compared to the mexican food in KC. This is the first time we took a winter vacation to a resort where the climate was so opposite from what we left.

The main purpose of this trip was our daughters wedding. She got married on the beach and there were 21 of us there to celebrate the occasion. We now have 2 wonderful honorable and loving son-in-laws that treat our daughters as queens. What more could parents want.

We don't have wedding pictures, a friend went with us to take pictures of the wedding and we have not downloaded them from his camera. However we have posted our general vacation pictures on Flickr and if you want to see them they can be found at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/15120866@N05/sets/ If you want to see what we left look at Snow 2010 and then it was straight to Mexico 2010. As you can see, quite a shock to the system. All of that snow was still on the ground when we left.

The vacation was relaxing and our son did well. It is hard for dad at times to practice what I preach about his life is his responsibility but I am aware so it is a process of change.

I am still not caught up on all the blogs but I have scanned a few and I see the normal good news from some and bad news for others. I see my Blog Birthday wish I made before leaving is not working for all.

Trying to catch up so I am not going into a lot of other stuff. It is now vacation catch up time. Plus on Saturday we have a wedding reception planned for 200. It is for all of those not able to go to Mexico with up last week. We have a big family on both sides and we all love get together's and celebrations.

Offline

We will be offline for about a week, vacation time and we are not taking a computer. I hope during that time I get to come back to wonderful news from everyone. I am banking on all of you guys to keep up supporting each other.

Be Strong Be Well

ABC World News

Heads up to watch ABC, World News with Diane Sawyer.

I was contacted by e-mail and phone by a producer with ABC News to discuss addiction in families. After much discussion with our son and the rest of the family Alex and Mom were not too comfortable so it will not happen but they have other families further along in recovery that are stepping up to the plate. The producer said she will let me know when the piece will air. When I know I will post it here.

Happy Birthday To This Blog

It has been nearly one year since Mom and I began this blog. Time flies when you are having fun, yea right. (just a few days early because we will be leaving on vacation soon)

During this last year there has been a lot of water under the bridge. We have had our trials, literally and figuratively, many of you have been so helpful that words cannot express our appreciation. The reality is we feel selfish because we have taken so much from this blog and with all of the wisdom you have shared with us I am not sure we can repay you all in any way.

It's never going to be over. That is a tough realization. The best we can hope for it will be better, it will be different. As I look at my son today in comparison to one year ago I see the same body but I am hoping for the lasting change that allows him to grow. Today he is clean. That is now something I appreciate, the little things like that and life have different meaning today than they did in Jan. of 2009. There was no assurance when we started this blog that we would reach this day. As we look in the mirror we can now talk about this without breaking into tears, we have learned to handle our pain.

During this last year I have seen readers, commenter's and whole blogs come and go. There is a life cycle to this maybe one day our blog may fade but for right now it is providing much needed therapy for the writers so we will continue. Plus, unfortunately there are new children becoming addicted every single day. Somewhere there is another parent feeling the hurt and anguish of this terrible disease. I know I don't have the answers but if our little blog helps a few others then it is a small effort for us.

If the writers of this blog get to make a birthday wish and blow out a virtual candle you all must guess the wish, there will be no one left to write or read these thoughts because blogs on addiction would suddenly become irrelevant.

Walking on Eggs

This situation of Alex living at home while in recovery and not using takes the balance and finesse of a ballet dancer, my style is more like a bull in a china shop with 10 red capes being waved at each corner. I am sure it is tough on both of us.

Last night we had a discussion about our expectations. It was a good discussion and I felt it more age appropriate than a standard parent/child talk. Moving forward in baby steps I guess. We are always guarded in everything we say and do. It is uncomfortable at times but it is something Mom and I feel we have to do. I'm sure he feels the same way. Complete openness hurts, it is early.

I tried to be a better listener. I tried to ask questions instead of make make blanket statements. But on reflection I know I did make a lot of statements. The real world is stark at times and just because he is in recovery he cannot be sheltered too much or he will not grow.

Our son said when he is with a big group in the family, we are a large close family, he feels a tremendous amount of stress. He said he is on guard with everything he does. He said he is constantly watching what he is saying. And he said he is wondering what people are thinking about him. Dad and Mom responded with a simple suggestion but probably the hardest thing to do. Be the old Alex, be the pre-drug Alex. This is a person everyone loved. This Alex was witty, entertaining and an excellent conversationalist. I see it is hard for him to realize that his family is probably the one of the most forgiving families out there, but we all have our defenses up too.

I visualize this situation as an old medieval army. There is one outcast warrior standing alone on the field of battle. The whole army is standing in a line begging this one lonesome warrior to re-join the troupe. However the offers to re-join are coming from an army with their shields still raised and weapons at hand. Just eyes peeking over the shields but their smiles about his return are still hidden behind the shields. What is hard for Dad and Mom is seeing the shields still raised but when we look in the mirror we realize we still have our shields in our hands too.

I have come to realize this healing process is not just a process of love, it is also a process of time.

Jayhawk Basketball

This will be a bit different than our regular posts but we all need a distraction and something else in our life than dealing with addiction 24/7. One of my distractions during the winter is Kansas University basketball.

The Jayhawks are currently ranked #1 in the nation. They are a talented group of players and I see in their coach, Bill Self a great leader of young men. When Roy Williams ran out on our program like a thief in the night (no bitterness here, LOL) a few years ago I honestly felt that there was not another top level coach with the integrity and leadership Williams had exhibited available in the NCAA coaching ranks. I looked at programs like Duke and Syracuse and many others that seemed to win but also maintained a standard of excellence in academics and behavior befitting of the Kansas tradition. Those coaches were all taken and had become institutionalized in their own respective universities. Along came Coach Self. A leader of young men that role modeled for not just those kids on his team but for anyone of any age. Competitiveness, integrity, honor and tradition, these are traits that transcend the basketball court, they are life lessons. My hats off to a fine coach and even though I have not met him personally, a fine man.

Last night we attended the KU vs Cornell game. It was real nail biter but The Hawks pulled together at the end of the game to bring another victory to Allen Fieldhouse. For those of you that are not basketball fans you just have to take my word for it that there is nothing like attending a basketball game at Allen Fieldhouse. The history, the traditions and the legacy makes everyone in that building as important as every person on that court and on the sideline.

Plus there are no fans like Hawk fans. When we left for the game 20 miles away it was snowing like a blizzard, expected 6" of blowing drifting snow. The temperature was in the teens and dropping. Travel advisories and winter storm warnings had been issued for the entire area. Allen Fieldhouse was packed full, every seat filled with rabid Jayhawk affectionatos. Count us among the crazies. There is a t-shirt around here that you can buy, on the front it says "Hawkaholic" with a picture of a Jayhawk. On the back it proudly proclaims, "Recovery is NOT an option".

Kinda like what we deal with with our addicts. no matter the weather or obstacles if they want their fix they will get their fix.

Another Partnership Posting

For those that are interested The Partnership For A Drug Free America has posted another article I have written.

http://intervene.drugfree.org/2010/01/help-your-child-by-overcoming-your-shame/

This one is about overcoming your own personal shame as a parent so that you are better prepared to deal with the issue of addiction.

It's Cold

A new year and it has arrived frigid. The temperature is in the single digits and will hardly rise any all day. The forecast is a solid week of this nonsense. What happened to all that global warming? If this is it we need to burn more coal! If the temperature stays like this all those poor polar bears at the north pole with melting ice can move into the vacant house down the street.

We all look so forward to the new year, it is the same here. New year, new beginning and a fresh start. However as we know it is just another day. An endless continuum of day to day to day. I guess that really is the best we can ever hope for no matter if you are sober, clean, in recovery or trying to maintain an active addiction. Sometimes it is good to reflect on that. Life is a struggle no matter the circumstances even with millions of years of evolution, all life and our species is still struggling to survive day after day. Puts everything in perspective when we look at the big picture, or does it highlight our real insignificance.

Our new year began with a closing of the old year. Fine food and close relatives. Our son sitting at the dinner table, taking part in conversation, showing the signs of the manners taught at a young age and filling all of us with a new hope for his well being. That was the first scene like that in many years. After all of the events in the past it is easy to appreciate the small things. 

I feel a lot of sympathy for my son in one way. He is known as a social animal. That was a description coined by one of his elementary school teachers and he has lived up to that moniker ever since. I know the social animal in him is lonely. I think that is his most difficult struggle but he is not one to complain. I have talked with him about his using and recovery and he says he is OK and that part is not that hard as long as he stays out of bad situations and away from bad people. I can tell he is longing for companionship from anyone his age that is not from his old group that still uses, this is good. I know new friendships will come but I hope we all have the patience.