The Partnership at Drugfree.org has published another one of my essays. This one is not just a repost of something I put on the blog.
My Sons Drug Addiction, What I Learned About Myself
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Negotiating Recovery
We've all done it. Seldom, if ever does it work. We make deals, we are willing to sell our soul, our dignity and our future to an addict in an effort to stop the madness.
My efforts to negotiate recovery involved buying things, providing gifts, paying for medical treatment, rehab and rents. All this in a fruitless attempt to bargain away the addiction from my son. This all happens while we enable our addicts and deny the reality.
Then we begin to get smarter about enabling and stop wasting our treasures. But all that does is lead us to a new phase of negotiating. We begin negotiating with our self. We whisper inside that if I see this and this and that then I can do this and this and that.
How do you negotiate with an addict that has no sense of justice or fair play? How can you negotiate with an addict that suffers from a disease that results in behaviors a sane person would deem insane? An addict will not and cannot negotiate away their addiction. As long as you indulge in negotiating with addiction you have everything to lose and there is nothing to gain.
So what's the answer? You must live in the world of a reality that involves seeing the picture as it is not how you want it to be. Stepping back and taking in the holistic nature of this disease and how it not only affects the addict but all those that they touch is the first step. From that place I was able to see that negotiating was hopeless. Then it came down to figuring out where I actually stood in relationship to the disease and my relationship with my addict.
At that point I began to understand what boundaries meant. At that point there is no negotiating. The only thing left is deciding where you can go and where you cannot go.
My efforts to negotiate recovery involved buying things, providing gifts, paying for medical treatment, rehab and rents. All this in a fruitless attempt to bargain away the addiction from my son. This all happens while we enable our addicts and deny the reality.
Then we begin to get smarter about enabling and stop wasting our treasures. But all that does is lead us to a new phase of negotiating. We begin negotiating with our self. We whisper inside that if I see this and this and that then I can do this and this and that.
How do you negotiate with an addict that has no sense of justice or fair play? How can you negotiate with an addict that suffers from a disease that results in behaviors a sane person would deem insane? An addict will not and cannot negotiate away their addiction. As long as you indulge in negotiating with addiction you have everything to lose and there is nothing to gain.
So what's the answer? You must live in the world of a reality that involves seeing the picture as it is not how you want it to be. Stepping back and taking in the holistic nature of this disease and how it not only affects the addict but all those that they touch is the first step. From that place I was able to see that negotiating was hopeless. Then it came down to figuring out where I actually stood in relationship to the disease and my relationship with my addict.
At that point I began to understand what boundaries meant. At that point there is no negotiating. The only thing left is deciding where you can go and where you cannot go.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
A New Moniker
No matter what my son has been called in the past by me or anyone else. The reputation, the names and the past actions mean nothing today because today he is saddled with a new moniker that will be with him the rest of his life, Daddy.
Tyler Alexander Grover
5:38 pm 8/19/11
7 lbs 1 oz
19''
Don't they both look good.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
You Are Not Alone
The Partnership at Drugfree.org has launched a new program. It is called "You Are Not Alone".
It is parents talking directly to parents in short video clips. If you are interested you can check it out here:
I've done one video but I promised them I would do more when I get the time. It isn't easy. I can stand in front of people and speak naturally all day but as soon as that red light came on the video camera it was if a gun was pointed at my head. I'll have to work on my delivery.
It is parents talking directly to parents in short video clips. If you are interested you can check it out here:
I've done one video but I promised them I would do more when I get the time. It isn't easy. I can stand in front of people and speak naturally all day but as soon as that red light came on the video camera it was if a gun was pointed at my head. I'll have to work on my delivery.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Recovery Doesn't Mean Perfect
This post isn't about any specific action or thing. This is simply a reminder to myself and others that recovery doesn't mean perfect.
It's important that I think of my son and treat him as a human being, not a special case of someone in a weird place called "recovery". Human beings work, play, think, have dreams, wants and are free to do whatever they believe is important to succeed financially and spiritually. A person in recovery is free to live that life and it is important that I recognize that fact. A person in recovery must also be free to make mistakes and experience hardship just as the rest of us do each day. Without the freedom to live learn grow and make mistakes there can be no growth.
Through fear, past experience or whatever it is not fair for me to put unrealistic expectations on my son just because I fear the past so much. Unrealistic expectations not only hurt me they hurt everyone around me. I must not walk lightly around my son and I must not expect perfection. He deserves to be treated and loved just the same as my other children. Each of them are different and have different needs based upon their own lives.
The past is past, I will get better as learn to allow the past to be in the past.
It's important that I think of my son and treat him as a human being, not a special case of someone in a weird place called "recovery". Human beings work, play, think, have dreams, wants and are free to do whatever they believe is important to succeed financially and spiritually. A person in recovery is free to live that life and it is important that I recognize that fact. A person in recovery must also be free to make mistakes and experience hardship just as the rest of us do each day. Without the freedom to live learn grow and make mistakes there can be no growth.
Through fear, past experience or whatever it is not fair for me to put unrealistic expectations on my son just because I fear the past so much. Unrealistic expectations not only hurt me they hurt everyone around me. I must not walk lightly around my son and I must not expect perfection. He deserves to be treated and loved just the same as my other children. Each of them are different and have different needs based upon their own lives.
The past is past, I will get better as learn to allow the past to be in the past.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Another Addict In Recovery
Here is another addict in recovery writing to help themselves and others. She has just started blogging.
Genrxation
Genrxation
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