tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post4199756085241110840..comments2024-01-26T03:02:18.654-08:00Comments on An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom: Fathers Day and a Very Personal DecisionDad and Momhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14204246139693620329noreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-32319902865635596752010-06-26T09:44:59.868-07:002010-06-26T09:44:59.868-07:00Sigh... I can so feel your emotional struggle here...Sigh... I can so feel your emotional struggle here and your wifes. I also bailed my son out, I don't regret doing it and I would probably do it again. I also have laid down the rules I also feel that I need to have some control in what is actually a situation totally out of my control. My son was clean from heroin for a month, going to rehab and taking suboxone. Unfortunately I found a receipt from a drug store last night, he had bought needles. He told me they were for a friend...... He has just started a new job which is wonderful and my heart sank into my stomach when I found this receipt. I thought well maybe God wanted me to find it so I could catch this right away. I asked him this morning where he would like to be buried, I know this sounds terrible, but it is how I felt at the time. I just don't think that there are any clear cut answers in dealing with this, we do the best that we can, but in the end they have to want it. I absolutely believe that we have to have boundaries as to what is acceptable in our homes but be willing to follow through when those boundaries are crossed, that is the problem most of us including myself don't follow through. I'm praying for your son you and your wife, so tired of dealing with the horror..........Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13169949411104658849noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-17739493128399712622010-06-25T09:37:23.682-07:002010-06-25T09:37:23.682-07:00Sink or swim is a good analogy. It was used by a c...Sink or swim is a good analogy. It was used by a counselor we were seeing once with him. <br /><br />She told our son that he was sinking. That there was family and friends all on shore throwing him life rings but for every one that was tossed to him to save himself he was throwing them back onto shore and sinking further down. Now many of those people have left and stopped throwing rings. <br /><br />The hardest thing for parents to learn is that you cannot wade out and pull him ashore. I tried that for 5 years. The most you can do is to throw rings and hope he grabs one someday.<br /><br />Right now we are still throw occasional rings.Dad and Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14204246139693620329noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-84274724268701304882010-06-25T09:24:03.520-07:002010-06-25T09:24:03.520-07:00Summer has a good point. At some stage it's ei...Summer has a good point. At some stage it's either got to be sink or swim. I hope this enables him to swim, but maybe while he's learning it's healthy to let him flounder a bit?sydneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15948472654559338363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-85423965100105006732010-06-25T01:19:40.735-07:002010-06-25T01:19:40.735-07:00I truly hope this works for your son. As an addict...I truly hope this works for your son. As an addict for the past 20 years myself, i will say this, when my mother made contracts with me, and i would agree and sign, i knew as i was doing it that i was just buying myself a little more time. The whole contract thing made me feel belittled, humiliated, and like a child, which are the feelings that made me use in the first place. That method did not help me stay clean, it helped me stay high. Again, this is my personal experience, and i honestly do hope that it works for your son. I have been clean almost six months now, five months longer than i have ever made it before, but to do this i had to totally remove myself from my family and friends, and even the state i was living in. Drastic situations require drastic measures. When i was still living around my family that always treated me like a lying, theiving, no good junkie, that's EXACTLY what i was! I am now being treated like an equal, being treated with respect, dignity, and being trusted in general, since i have been treated this way, that is EXACTLY the person i am becoming! Just some food for thought. -Best Wishessummerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02172661959843877162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-3196514813410247732010-06-22T17:02:08.549-07:002010-06-22T17:02:08.549-07:00Just being honest, I feel like you are trying to c...Just being honest, I feel like you are trying to control the uncontrollable. I did not read the list. Although I disagree with bailing him out of jail and the list, I DO understand why you did it. We are all at different stages in our development dealing with this horrible disease. I was where you are once so I certainly empathize.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-8251639928140403072010-06-22T14:11:48.034-07:002010-06-22T14:11:48.034-07:00Sydney,
Our discussion with him spoke of conseque...Sydney,<br /><br />Our discussion with him spoke of consequences. Just as anything in life there are gray areas. The ultimate consequence is that he is homeless. <br /><br />I have been clear about one thing with my son many times. I do not expect perfection. I am not a perfect person and it would be wrong for me to expect perfection from my son as he works through this. My expectation is we all work towards progress.<br /><br />These items are not forever. This document will grow and change as we all grow and change. I know some will consider that statement as just building in an out for him or us but in reality we see this as a starting point, something we haven't tried yet. <br /><br />I don't know if this will work, I for sure do not see it as an answer to addiction. But one thing for sure, what we have done for us, and what he has done for himself in the past has not worked. <br /><br />Am I stupid enough to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting something different??????......wait a minute, don't answer that question.Dad and Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14204246139693620329noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-71892341498458142342010-06-22T13:31:34.040-07:002010-06-22T13:31:34.040-07:00I noticed you didn't post what the ramificatio...I noticed you didn't post what the ramifications will be if he does not comply with the contract... Any thoughts on that?sydneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15948472654559338363noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-42725564692702686892010-06-22T00:05:12.535-07:002010-06-22T00:05:12.535-07:00I don't believe you can ever stop trying. Your...I don't believe you can ever stop trying. Your contract was great - and it will be a full time job keeping it going. They need babysitting and the fact that he signed it is pretty impressive although we know he was desperate. As Parents I don't know how you can ever give up. At some point you would think something would stick. I wish you much success and appreciate as always how much you share.Torihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16469486624859667837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-55287189132049143462010-06-21T19:54:47.322-07:002010-06-21T19:54:47.322-07:00Good luck. My personal experience with contracts i...Good luck. My personal experience with contracts is that they never work. Most professionals agree. We tried a contract, but its monitoring became such a huge job and chore, we gave up. Also, there were countless exceptions to the "rules" that needed to be interpreted and dealt with, and it created a whole new platform for conflict and control. The contract really was "our" program for our daughter's recovery, not her own. Maybe Alex will respond to this kind of structure - hope so - but, I would be very surprised. What is your goal with the contract? Are you essentially just "baby-sitting" Alex until he can monitor his own behavior? What is the time line? And, how will you evaluate/modify the terms? Again, I wish you luck. PeggyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-56645004850553302082010-06-21T09:38:11.629-07:002010-06-21T09:38:11.629-07:00that is a great contract. if my parents were half ...that is a great contract. if my parents were half the parents you were, that would have worked for me. as it is my parents enabled my behavior i never got a dui because dad drove me everywhere, including to parties. course it doesn't help when your father is the party supplier for the hell's angel's in california, retired of course. it took him dying for me to hit my bottom. then i came clean.<br />happy fathers day, i wish i could say that to my dad.clean and crazyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09156586299182570611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-91834994033325426222010-06-21T09:21:08.077-07:002010-06-21T09:21:08.077-07:00There are some wonderful post here with keen insig...There are some wonderful post here with keen insight into this situation all parents will eventually face if their child continues to abuse alcohol or other drugs.<br /><br />I have posted our "Family Agreement" on my blog as it may help others develop their own. In addition, I believe my post entitled, "Grace and Serenity" may also be of benefit.<br /><br />VJVJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10009110521934666163noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-7289664895277544252010-06-21T07:40:51.900-07:002010-06-21T07:40:51.900-07:00House rules were the one thing implimented during ...House rules were the one thing implimented during myu sons mandatory family sessions that I am so glad I learned from. We still post and update our house rules, and I think having everything in writinh is the best way to not have any miscommunication about what is expected. <br /><br />I applaud your efforts. Making choices that you all can live with has to be a big part of the equation.Wait. What?https://www.blogger.com/profile/16914656489970904052noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-59687528800525215052010-06-21T06:15:54.075-07:002010-06-21T06:15:54.075-07:00I'll be praying that this works for Alex. Unfo...I'll be praying that this works for Alex. Unfortunately it didn't work for us. At one point we went this same route, with the contract and everything. Had alarms installed on the house, so that every time a door or window opened the alarm would go off. I had to take my purse up to bed with me at night (he still managed to sneak in there and steal my credit card as I slept). We became prisoners in our own home.<br /><br />There is a very fine line between laying down the law, and enabling. When you lay down the law, it will work only when Alex is ready for it to work. We found that out the hard way. J wasn't ready. The really unfortunate part was that we then had to follow through and kick him out, where the drug use became worse, to the point where he almost OD'ed while his stoned friends did nothing (thank God he vomited!) Even that wasn't enough to scare him straight. I can only hope a year in prison will be his catalyst.<br /><br />I pray that Alex will have the wisdom to see how much you and Mom love him, and want him to get better. I pray that he will see this as the awesome opportunity that it is. I pray that he will follow and obey all of the rules, not just for today, but for forever. And I pray for you and Mom - to have the peace you so richly deserve.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-24273499999758669162010-06-21T04:17:09.310-07:002010-06-21T04:17:09.310-07:00The hard part now, is the consequences IF he shoul...The hard part now, is the consequences IF he should not uphold the contract. Of course, YOU know the Rest of the story in our family, 11 years later we still HAVE a family, but it was badly fractured and the ramifications of her using will last generations. We did finally put her out and make her homeless, and at 4 months pregnant and in a snowy Ohio winter, so you can imagine the point a mother would have to come to, to do that.<br /><br />There isn't always a happy ending, but sometimes,once in a while, there can be. I pray for you and Mom that this will be the time.<br /><br />DawnAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03699870975776139552noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-70219629153364248252010-06-21T00:24:08.782-07:002010-06-21T00:24:08.782-07:00So much already said above. I would tend to agree...So much already said above. I would tend to agree with fractalmom,Glenwood and HBS. We all have to take this thing as it ihits us, one day at a time. You have set up your bounaries and if he breaks those, he knows the conseqences going in. Good for you for making a decision and stiking to it, often that struggle alone case wreak havoc.The neverending battle of child's opiate addictionhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04138779247145438268noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-54353802103470729262010-06-20T22:07:58.737-07:002010-06-20T22:07:58.737-07:00As far as giving names- I did it. I downloaded his...As far as giving names- I did it. I downloaded his call list and turned the logs over every month. I took pictures, emails, myspace pages, license plates, names as I learned them...... I will not live in complete fear; the one who supplies my son has already taken my life.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06077543333463085837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-63860697804787884832010-06-20T22:04:56.077-07:002010-06-20T22:04:56.077-07:00I did the same with Stevie. Please make sure it do...I did the same with Stevie. Please make sure it does not become wall art, background noise, a comfy chair. I became convinced it was working. I stopped asking for receipts. I stopped checking in on him. I stopped and he started using. Homelessness really does not scare the addict. Dealers, users, pushers and junkies live in an underworld of their own. Stevie was proud of his little piece of turf in the wash. I pray it works for you....I really do. He will take it as serious as you keep him toting the line. <br />I have seen it work. I know where you are, making that decision between life and death. Either one sucks- he lives with you and possibly continues to suck you in is nothing more than a stranger in your home, causing tension, issues, and problems, or kick him out and spend sleepless nights, mindless days wondering, worrying, fretting, crying, seeing your son in every panhandler on the corner...... it truly is painful either way. God Bless you!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06077543333463085837noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-12697720559757142562010-06-20T20:28:01.573-07:002010-06-20T20:28:01.573-07:00Indeed that is what hope will do...you are in my p...Indeed that is what hope will do...you are in my prayers.A Mom's Serious Blunderhttp://www.madyson007.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-28655118341974550362010-06-20T18:27:21.987-07:002010-06-20T18:27:21.987-07:00A father's job never ends, even on father'...A father's job never ends, even on father's day... I hope getting A home and going over the contract gave you some peace for the day.<br />You and Mom have had an agonizing week, and through the pain and time I think you came up with as good of a solution as you could find, and praise God A signed and agreed to the terms.<br />Through the counseling PLUS recovery program, I pray that something breaks through in A and he is able to stick to the terms. I pray for you and Mom that he is able to stick to the terms.<br />You have to make the decisions that are right for you and your family - your whole family - and it sounds like everyone is in agreement - this is the best deal A could get - I hope he sees that.<br />I remember when he wrote his blog, he's a good kid, I hope this gives him a chance to realize his potential and put a stopper on this disease.<br />Continued prayers for all of you.<br />God bless.Heather's Momhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03323023399443964827noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-57389413272785849592010-06-20T17:10:29.795-07:002010-06-20T17:10:29.795-07:00I'm with Gledwood on the deletion of that one ...I'm with Gledwood on the deletion of that one part of your list given to Alex - and that second particular comment (about it), made by Gledwood - I had the same thought, as I read it. <br /><br />Now, that aside, I line right up there with FractalMom on this one. Many many decisions have been made at this house with me saying to my husband, "I'm not sure this is wise, BUT, I do not want to face you across her coffin in the future and have you have any doubt whether you did everything you could." There have been a few times when the reverse was true, and my husband saw fit to meet me on a decision important to me. <br /><br />You have thought this through, you have had outside input, and inside (the family) insight, and you have made a decision together. You are offering him a choice and a chance. I will be praying for continued wisdom for you, and continued strength for you and Mom, and above all, for Alex to reach out and take this chance. Bless you, Dad and Mom.Her Big Sadhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07872091902506034704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-73906081816303081902010-06-20T12:52:54.843-07:002010-06-20T12:52:54.843-07:00If I could have emailed this quickly I would have ...If I could have emailed this quickly I would have for the sake of privacy but I want to make sure you get this message:<br />Just one thing and I have to say this, you have me worried. Look your photos are up for all to see and you are talking about passing names to law enforcement. They probably already have these details anyhow, I know but please, tread cautiously in this area. You've been through so much already you don't need any more crap from anyone. I don't care for my sake whether you leave this up but I would consider deleting this comment along with any references you made to passing local information to local police... you don't know who is reading this blog, who they know, or what their motives may be. Please stay safe.Gledwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09308172310486574510noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-18958408357238252472010-06-20T12:48:08.687-07:002010-06-20T12:48:08.687-07:00Dear Mom and Dad,
I am relieved that you all came...Dear Mom and Dad,<br /><br />I am relieved that you all came to the same decision. It really helps the family when this is possible. You have created a structure here that is very similar to the best 12 step halfway houses. The main difference is that he is not living with others in the same program.<br /><br />I so hope it works for you and for him.Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04382717273926292379noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-17288309944044177142010-06-20T12:44:28.168-07:002010-06-20T12:44:28.168-07:00I think you're being very brave. And it looks ...I think you're being very brave. And it looks to me like the right decision, not a wrong one.<br />Why are you calling yourselves "the devil"? You aren't the devil. Some of what you are doing does seem like you're treating him like a small child but I can see... well, what else can you do? Your rules, after all, are no stricter than the requirements of an ordinary reahab. <br />If your son genuinely wants to go clean and serene, you've set up a perfect environment and situation in which this can happen. <br />Now it's wait and see time ~ and only time will tell...Gledwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09308172310486574510noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-73576568148786873932010-06-20T11:49:47.491-07:002010-06-20T11:49:47.491-07:00When my youngest was 10, she asked WHY? Why do we ...When my youngest was 10, she asked WHY? Why do we have to do this for HER!!!<br /> <br />So I told her. One day, we WILL be standing next to your sister's coffin. <br /><br />We can either be crying, wailing, and saying WHAT COULD WE HAVE DONE TO SAVE HER....<br /><br />Or we can stand next to her coffin and say We DID everything possible to save her, it just didn't work.<br /><br />Which do you prefer? I will leave it up to you what we do.<br /><br />she chose to do everything we could, even though it meant she wasn't able to get the trip to NYC, the trip to Toronto, the car at 16 and the best prom dresses.<br /><br />Her sister is still using 11 years later. She will die someday. But when we stand next to the coffin, we will be saying that we loved her and did everything in our power to help.<br /><br />After that, we put it in God's hands.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03699870975776139552noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6644974106128239775.post-85897210809597437062010-06-20T10:32:51.454-07:002010-06-20T10:32:51.454-07:00Ron:
I undestand life and death decisions. We wer...Ron:<br /><br />I undestand life and death decisions. We were there last October when we offered up the Narconon facility to Bryan (and he chose to make it work). You and Mom have offered Alex a priceless gift (one more opportunity) with nothing more than reasonable rules. It will now be up to him to chose to make it work; and it if does, you will never regret your decision to bail him out and bring him home. And if it does not because he is not ready or willing, you will still sleep better at night knowing you did what you needed to do at the moment.<br /><br />You remain in my thoughts and my prayers, and I want to wish you a Happy Father's Day. We know that being good parents is not about how our children grow up (because we've all learned the hard way we can't control their choices), but it is about how we love them; and you are a great father. Take care.Lisahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08419235000980170328noreply@blogger.com